You walk around this town with your head all up in the sky

There are a lot of things that I want. One of them isn't insomnia, but there's not much I can do about that; I am only human.

I do not like the general consensus thing. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't know how much I am getting out of therapy any longer.

Things I've Learnt: I need better boundaries. I need to trust my gut instincts more. I need to be less afraid. I need to make up for not really having a childhood. I need to not feel as if I am responsible for everything, all the time. I have to talk myself up and sell myself more.

Things I Disagree With: There is such a thing as a person who is truly evil. Things are easier when seen in black and white terms. Absolutes (always, never, all, none) are ok. My mother is deserving of condemnation. I exhibit sociopathic traits, but am not a sociopath (don't know if she was joking with this one). I should be benevolent to people who are malevolent towards me (yet this is somehow not ass-kissing, and not at odds with there being evil people undeserving of help). I can't do this alone.

I think I am done. I am debating.

In Other News, I finally fixed my hair; my new stylist is Meg's stylist, and he is awesome (or, as a snowflake unfortunately wrote to me, 'osum'). Meg warmed me that he doesn't talk much, and you know me -- that just won't do. I guess Meg never has *tried* to talk with him; he told me he doesn't talk because his English is bad (he is Turkish). I told him that the general consensus is that my English is hideous. We like each other. Meg is jealous.

I am talking myself up and selling myself this week; that's the reason for the new 'do. I now have side fringe.

Well, Toorkee is Tony & Guy trained; I figure he knows. Meh; what do I know, other than it's funny to call him 'Toorkee'. I think he likes it.

My father's health is declining. He will not do anything about it. More on this later.

Right now, I have to attack this insomnia with a vorpal Benedryl. LYMI.






- Posted using Speak-n-Blog from my Fisher-Price Chatter Pull Telephone

Don't look like much here, but we have everything.

'You know about the machines?'

'Yeah, I repair them.'

'There's one chasing me now, a gunslinger.'

'Gunslinger ... Must be a model 404. Maybe a 406. If he's a 406, he's got all the sensory equipment. It's a beautiful machine!'

'He's after me!'

'I don't doubt it.'

'What can I do?'

'There's nothing you can do; he'll get you. You haven't got a chance.'

'There must be something.'

'Fella, don't kid yourself. There are things you could try: Acid for his visual system; noise for his hearing. No matter what, he'll always be one jump ahead of you! You haven't got a chance!'

'Yes, I do.'




- Posted using Speak-n-Blog from my Fisher-Price Chatter Pull Telephone

Sad But True

I watch Match Game to calm down. I am up to Match Game '76.

Mummers' oldest sister died; the funeral was Saturday before last. Perhaps I can discuss this without getting rabies in a few more days.

Mary is right, I cannot save the world; the world doesn't even *want* to be saved. I just need to do me.

I have to get back to Match Game; this Dealing With Reality thing is too much for me.




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If I ever get off this killin' floor, I'll never get down this low no more.

I am making it. My psychologist, I'll call her Mary because that happens to be her name, says that I am fixable. I have been taking the PTSD cocktail (buspirone with a sertraline chaser from my psychiatrist, Dr. A.) long enough now that I can be reasoned with.

Ha, ha. Never thought that would happen, did you?

We -- Mary and I -- are working on a lot of behaviours, gestures, stances, and speech acts I have that, basically, make me psychopath bait. I am trying. Mary specialises in trauma and anxiety. Dr. A just makes it so I am not beyond talking to. I will probably be on the meds for two years, he says.

One of the problems that I have is the question of this whole Greater Good thing; I am not supposed to internalise and/or solve other people's problems. Ok. Fine. Other people are adults, and are in charge of their own mistakes, oversights, mis-steps, and failures in Life. Ok. Fine. I am not obligated to have empathy for everyone; it is not up to me to save the world.

Query: Whose responsibility is it, then?

http://youtu.be/4aWbo84ZENs

And no pathetic crapping out with some bullshit about your favourite sky fairy. There is no sanctuary (bonus points for identifying that one), there is no sky fairy, and if you are good all your life, when you die, you are dead just like Adolf Hitler. No one is going to give you a lollipop. No one gave Hitler a lump of coal. The cake is a lie.

I am sorry if that hurt you. Santa Claus isn't real either. People lie and people believe incredibly stupid things; just look at Peter Popoff and the Mormons. Get over it. Try not to be one of them.

I adhere, generally, to a standard of consequential ethics; in other words, the 'right' thing to do is the thing that helps people, brings pleasure, preserves Life, and so forth. The greatest benefit for the most people kind of thing.

As a side note, the antithetical position to my ethical code is that fucked up mess where humans run around killing other humans (including children, sometimes their own) because some god told them to do it, which -- to them -- is a totally legitimate reason to commit any form of fuckery, regardless of the injury it may bring to other humans, including children, sometimes their own.

I am not going to pretend that I can even begin to wrap my mind around that point of view, I just thought I'd mention it.

Butsoanyway. If I had been all detached and making other people shoulder their own burdens, well... Harry would probably be dead or a homeless bum. Mummers wouldn't have had a chance once she started getting sick. And I could go on for hours; my point is that *someone* has to care. *Someone* has to help. If I am not helping, how am I any different from the narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths I am supposed to be arming myself against?

I do not want to ever have an evil person in my life again. I am trying to change what I can. Yes, Mary is right, but...

...who is supposed to be fixing things if the ones who are able won't because that is what makes them appear as prey to the amoral psychos?

I don't have an answer. I give Mary examples, counter-examples really, of how my being 'over-involved' (as she terms it) has worked, has been for the Greater Good, has helped, and she just shakes her head and tries to get me to see that if I fought and did for myself like I do for others, I would be so happy, successful, and scaring the bejeezus out of the sociopaths so badly that they would be racing to get *away* from me. And of course there are examples of where I have failed miserably.

I would still like to hold on to my belief that The World to Come is actually something that could be had -- by us, right here, in this lifetime.

Or maybe that is just a stupid superstition, as well.

http://youtu.be/y1wDEueYocU




- Posted using Speak-n-Blog from my Fisher-Price Chatter Pull Telephone

Weekends

I am watching a lot of Xmas movies on Netflix. It calms me down. So I guess that I am off the Columbo, Disappeared, and 48 Hours Mystery kick I have been on for months.

Yes, atheists can so too enjoy silly holiday movies. It's not like I'm saying I believe in Santa.

Sweetie stays with me a lot because I believe she thinks we are cats together. I'm just a funny-shaped cat who uses a laptop. I guess I am the Head Cat in Charge.

Everyone else is fine, even though I am still upset over Weebie dying. Things aren't the same without her. I hate losing family so much, I just have no words.

I've been in therapy for a little bit now, and it is helping, I think. I have a psychologist whom I see once or twice a week, and a psychiatrist whom I am down to seeing once a month for meds maintenance. My dx is PTSD. :-/

I have a hard time talking about my feelings, partially because a lot of the time I am not sure what they are, and partially because I feel like I am whining when I do.

Work is, well, work. I am trying to make that better. More on that later.

This will definitely not be the greatest holiday season ever, but I am hoping it will be ok, and I will come out the other end with a better job and a better life. I am working a lot on Me.

And I know I seriously need to fix this page. Sigh...there is a lot I need to fix, and I am going to do all of it. Mostly alone, which my psychologist wants me to change. I am working on that, too.





- Posted using an app that I drew on an Etch-a-Sketch modified to run Free BSD.

Your nose is longer than a telephone wire...

In my latest drama, I am still job-searching, and the Rampaging Fucktard (formerly This Guy, now just RF), is STILL stalking and harassing me. His latest stunt had been to put up fake profiles with my email address on dating websites -- two so far. I am not replying to the tragic men who are emailing me, as it isn't their fault. Everyone with experience dealing with narcissists/sociopaths has told me that ignoring him is the best route, unless I have solid proof that he has violated the order of protection I have, and unfortunately the police are not willing to investigate him to see if he did this; I have to have something solid, like from spraying him with mace when he comes near me. I have a feeling he has had protective orders out against him before, because all of the things he is doing are just 'legal' enough that I would look like a crazy woman if I reported it. So I have been going with No Reaction.

I would not wish this idiot psycho on any other person, or I'd be hoping he finds a girlfriend; as it stands, I hope he gets hit by a bus. Ok, truth is that I doubt someone as crazy and narcissistic as he is could ever find someone who would put up with his shit for longer than a few months, and that's if they are charitably-hearted. Like seriously. The biggest mistake I made was feeling sorry for him. Whether it is a man or a woman, learn from my mistakes: if you feel sorry for someone, run like hell. Normal adults do not seem so pathetic that you feel badly for simply stating that you don't want to be around them. And normal adults do not view or phrase things in terms of their self-worth (e.g., trying to prove they are 'good enough' or better with outlandishly transparent lies; statements such as 'you make me feel so great' ...what is going to happen when you 'make them' feel shitty? Also, really, the ludicrous lies and claims of Greatness that just do not measure up to Reality should be a huge red flag).

Anyway, the same soft head...err...heart that rescues cats now has me getting mash notes from guys all over the US because this loser cannot let me be.

Sigh.




- Posted using Speak-n-Blog from my Fisher-Price Chatter Pull Telephone

Just for the sake of feeling pain

I am reading something that I shouldn't. And as much as I wish I could quit, I just simply cannot. It's lies, stupid lies. I know this. At least I am not deluded.




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