Saying goodbye

Meg is an addict; I am currently in a comped executive suite at  a Harrah's property. She has apparently raised the bar for her comps since I last travelled with her, cos we have it for free. o_O This is easily the nicest place I have stayed in, and I know that makes me sound like a rube, but I don't care.

We are burying Mummers on Saturday, and I really feel as if my soul has been ripped out. There is just no reason for what happened. None. And I feel such guilt over my not having figured out what was going on that I do not know if I will ever get over this.

Leaving Twice.

My mother left again today.

Family Meeting

About Mom tomorrow morning, doctor-requested. She has only had three rounds of dialysis, and does perk up after a little. But I am scared. My brother, who is even more pro plug-pulling than I am, says she needs more time, and her numbers look good. I guess i will let you know what happens. I am not ready to lose my mother, though who ever is...I know.

Adventures in Dialysis...

Mom's STILL in hospital. Tonight she gets dialysis for the first time. We're hoping it will clear up her confusion, 'cos it's bad. She is asleep now, but rouses to mumble incoherencies and then go back to sleep. I swear, if I had known this was what Romeo was going through, not knowing where he was half the time, I would have let him go sooner. I have made so many mistakes in my life, but they have been out of love, and that is really the worst kind of all.

I was a little upset when Betty responded to my telling her that Mummers was getting dialysis by asking me how much more am I going to put her through -- that maybe she is ready to go -- and I am trying to remember that Betty does so much Hospice care that it may be hard to think outside of that box. Betty's a damn good nurse, and I know she isn't that...defeatest, or whatever.

Tarred.

Had Mummers' all-day chemo eval, and i am *tired*. She'll be three weeks on and one week off Taxol for up to a year and a half, i guess assuming the chemo is effective and she lives that long.

I have to sleep now...soon. have to check my classes first and make sure no one asploded while i was gone today.