You're sooo...perceptival!

Yes, it is true.

I am in agony.

Yes, it is true.

I cannot talk about it, at least not until it is over. Just bear with me as I am shallow and petty.

I am sorry; now back to your regularly scheduled blog...

A Really Incomplete Education

Okay...I had to change quite a bit, but...this really had me laughing; one of Meg's co-worker Sabra's graduate students forwarded this to Sabra, who in turn passed it on to me (among others).  I had to work hard to keep all the original typos and stuff in it.  Hee.  And no, of course Professor R did not send this to the student.

Dear Student,

While I appreciate your blatant incoherence for its entertainment value, I do have one concern regarding your academic situation:  Are you simultaneously enrolled in prep English I?  If not, may I recommend an instructor?

Yours in amazement,
Professor Radebaugh

p.s.: I do have a tomato stain on a white long sleeved dress shirt, but I do not know if you consider that to be a “problem.” Please advise. 

>>> “Douglas Radebaugh” Radebaud@xxx.edu

Names and email addresses have been erased to protect the identity of this poor soul.

 _____

Hello Professor Ray,

I am notify you on my unappearance in your first week of beginning alegebra 12:00 p.m-2:15 p.m. MW classes for mth002. I had to sign up on your class before all other classes were taken before. I was unable to make it because of housisng situations. I wanted to notify you that I will be appearing here on out to your class startin next class appearance.Is there any assignmets that I may have not have gotton due to my absence would you please let me know? If you could you please reply back at me about any concerns or the problems that you might have.

thank you.

Student.

Ancodia's Inbox

I am fine. Things are like, sucky-busy recently. I received a really nice email whose point was essentially that I seem out-of-sorts. I am. I hope to be back in-sorts soon. Basically, I am getting too little rest, and too much work; I am exhausted.

I have a vacation (a real one) coming up in less than a month, and I hope to catch up on sleep then. :-)

I had a pleasant surprise the other night as I left Eviljob; the remaining members of the Kittypants family (Rhett and Cookie’s litter) were at the feeding station. I guess the cold weather drew them out of hiding to get food asap. There was the black one who looks like Cookie, an all blue one that otherwise looks like Rhett, as well as Breakfast and Blacktoe. So the entire litter (except for one who vanished early and I could not find) seems to have made it. I guess that is good. I don’t know what I can do other than feed them; I haven’t had time to trap (there is no way on Earth I could get back within 24 hours to check the traps), I have nowhere to farm them out, and I cannot take them in – I have a full load myself, plus a FeLV-positive cat outside.

I was taken to task by someone else earlier for not bringing Harry indoors. I acknowledge that in some respects it may seem irresponsible. I explained that (1) in all bluntness, Harry is not my farking cat, and I have gone above-and-beyond for him in making a home for him, feeding him, getting him medical treatment, and vaccinating all MY cats for FeLV (well, almost all—Romeo was deemed too sickly to vaccinate), risking my kitties getting fibrosarcomas and such when another owner would have just taken Harry to Animal Services, where he would have been put down; (2) I have FIVE other cats that ARE my cats, and they are INDOOR cats. Bringing Harry in puts *my* cats at-risk; (3) Harry never goes anywhere other than my front door and the courtyard that surrounds my front door/front room area, and the courtyard has a brick wall with a gate around it. Sure, Harry could get out by going in-between the brick and the gate, or by jumping up on the wall and over (the same way he wandered into my courtyard)…BUT HE DOESN’T. Only rarely does he leave the courtyard area to walk down the path to the driveway to meet me at my car, and then he walks right back to the front door area with me. When he suns himself, it’s in the courtyard. When he poops, it’s in the courtyard. Other neighbouring cats and dogs don’t come into my courtyard, which is one big reason that I think Harry stays—he has food and water, and no one messes with him. When the weather is bad, he has protection from the rain and hot sun, and when it gets cold, he stays in this area that is right by my front door where I made a shelter for him complete with clean blankets and stuff, that I can (and have) put a heating lamp by if the weather gets cold enough. That area by my front door is a recessed concrete area (almost as if the architect had once intended there to be a second or different entryway) and the roof extends well beyond the front stoop area, so he has no wind, no rain, no sludge, no snow, no *anything*; the wind cannot blow anything of note into that recessed area, and when Harry is in the shelter, he is *fine*. I could put a folding chair and a card table in that recessed area and not be seen from the front of the house. When it has gotten very VERY bad, I put him in my garage (which he hates, by the way; he loves it in the courtyard. This week it is supposed to get bad enough that at some point he’s probably garage-bound, though).

So don’t worry about Harry. He’s out there as we speak full of Clavamox (yes, he’s back on it) and some other drug (I think it is a steroid, or a decongestant), with his heating lamp on; he has had a good dinner, and he is probably asleep by now. I need to see if I can find a home that takes in FeLV-positive cats, and as long as it passes my inspection (I will not just dump Harry off into some hellish cat nightmare where he gets locked in a cage for all eternity, fed ‘sometimes’, and cuddled NEVER. I’ll be damned if I’m going to see Harry on an episode of Animal Cops; if that’s the alternative, he’s staying right where he is), I will be more than willing to re-locate Harry and pay for his food and vet bills and whatnot. Sure, he’d be best off indoors. It’s just not going to be MY indoors, ‘cos I have *my* babies to worry about. Don’t be angry at me, be angry at Harry’s previous home, the one that let him get infected with FeLV and cast him off. I’m doing the best I can with what I’m dealt over here, and when added on to everything else I have to do, it’s a task to sterilise everything and launder constantly and wash myself and my clothes in-between petting Harry and going in to my cats. Plus, when I have had to totally clean – disassemble his shelter, clean it completely, do Harry’s laundry, clean the front stoop, walkway, and walls, and replace everything (I do this so that my front door/courtyard area isn’t teeming with virus) the past five to ten times over the past few weeks, it has been pretty damn cold. Plus, I am so very NOT brimming over with the time to do all this.

Sigh.

I have to get some sleep, but I will catch up on my stuff and all later. :-) I’ll deal with other emails and crap tomorrow, or something.

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Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair of a color in inverse proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable as possible for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction - A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance - Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration - No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance - A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation - Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Milk Consumption - A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing - A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement - A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

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Best Positions in Bed!

Hey, lookit!

I'm thisclose to having a sex blog...

Oh, yeah!

Now let's review *MY* favourite positions:



























Oh...get your minds out of the GUTTER!

:-D

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I am a lime tree.

This was just sent to me today. Mine is pretty accurate, I think--especially the part about being a jealous, catty, nasty hoor. ;-) Or whatever. Though in all honesty I haven't read all of them. But I fell off a lime tree; I am a sour, nasty, bitter person, and everyone hates me and uses me as a derogatory term for Brits. And my juice sells far less often compared to those god damned lemons when I am squozed up into little plastic replicas of myself (do you catch the bitter jealous envy there?). And I am green.

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Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate. Then send it to all your friends, including the one that sent it to you, so they can find out what tree you fell from, but don't forget to change the subject line to your tree before forwarding.

Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree

Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree

Jan 25 to Feb 03 - CypressTree

Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree

Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree

Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree

Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree

Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree

Mar 21 (only) -Oak Tree

Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree

Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree

Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree

Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree

May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree

May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree

May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree

Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree

Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree

Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree

Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree

Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree

Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree

Jul 26 to Aug 04 - CypressTree

Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree

Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree

Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree

Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping WillowTree

Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree

Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree

Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree

Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree

Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree

Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree

Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree

Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree

Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree

Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree

Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree

YOUR TREE (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner,very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive,demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent,restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks,materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unneces sary risks, reasonable, splendid life time companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly,unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, adores the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and! content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to lookdown on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious,healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive,well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times,fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

CypressTree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what Life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed,honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, few sexual relationships, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary! taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment ! a nd expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable and disciplined! life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers,is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independenceof Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud,self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting,independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable,balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm,well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, fall strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, extremely genero! us, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything ! beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition,suffers in love until they find that one loyal.

So what are you?

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Don't push me, 'cos I'm close to the edge...

**UPDATE**Due to the high number of emails I am getting because of this title, I would like to mention that the song is The Message by Grandmaster Flash (and the Furious Five). It probably got stuck in my head because of Happy Feet. :-) Hope this helps.

I just got this in an email...awesomeness. Don't mess with girls, eh? Currently I am doing not very much; I also was sent this link: Suzette la Starlette, and I gave up on it cos my head is just not into thinking right now, and so I am just letting Genedefekt run in the background; it has been a while since I heard that song, and I had forgotten how much I liked it. It has been a really long time since I went out and got ploughed and went dancing, and this really reminds me of that.

Happy Chanukah, by the way; I missed a timely HC’ing ‘cos I suck.

I am going out tomorrow to trap (or try to, at least) for the tentative Monday speuter appointment I have. I ended up staying for the whole time today (or yesterday, rather) at Eviljob, which is good (in a way), because this past semester I have been cutting out of there early a *lot*, which will eventually bite me in the ass.

I really want this for Christmas: Munchkin Bites!, but I suck at hinting. I have a hard time coming up with things for people to give me (for some reason, everyone always just asks me what I want, then gets something else entirely), so I would just tell everyone, but I think anyone who was going to ask me already has. So I may just go buy it myself after Christmas. I will teach Squoosh how to play. :-D

I am feeling better—significantly better today, in fact—and so who knows or cares…it seems that I shall live. :-) I don’t know why I bother to ask my brother anything; he thinks that everyone is at fault for their own illnesses, a state of mind he inherited from my father. His opinion is that if I am not hospitalised, then I need to quit whining and hunting around for the problem (or its solution), and just go to work and do. That’s really the way I was raised, I’ve just become more humane towards myself and others in my old age. :-) I no longer see catching a cold as a sign of moral weakness and/or flawed character.

In Other Family News, Meg sends pictures; the Beau Rivage is all gussied up for Christmas:

Since my mother’s cat Arby was a ‘rescue’ cat (I found her as a tiny kitten on the side of a Quickee Lube place, and asked my mom to hold on to her for a couple days, ‘cos I was in the midst of moving. That’s how they became soul mates. For some reason, Mom and Arby bonded like nothing I have ever seen before—Mom isn’t that bonded to ME, for chrissake), I used to tease Mummers all the time about dropping Arby back off at a casino to be a ‘casino cat’ (every casino I have ever been to has at least a few, and it’s good luck to feed them…or so I tell people I run into gambling there), and this annoys my mother to no end, because I honestly think she feels as if I am being cruel to an actual sister, or something. Her relationship with Arby is that intense. And bear in mind that all this time, Arby sees both Meg and I as total interlopers—she hates us, and makes no secret of that. Any time either of us is over and talking to Mom, Arby will come over and start yapping at Mom also, trying to steal her attention away (which usually works). Arby’s right—Mama does love her more. And Meg and I have developed this elaborate anthropomorphised ‘personality’ for Arby which basically involves calling the two of us ‘Loser’ a lot. Mummers thinks it’s funny.

Butsoanyway.

We (Meg and I) stopped teasing Mom about dropping Arby off at a casino because it upset Mom so, and instead joke about a casino which we have named the Beau Arbage (‘that means The Beautiful Arby in French, Loser!’). My point in mentioning this is that I *was* going to say that the Beau Arbage was all decked out for the holidays, but realised no one would understand what I meant. So if I ever say it, now you know.

Butsoanyway.

I also have another problem (well, we all know I have *way* more than just one), and I have so far avoided really getting into it. And I need to think it through and figure something out, but…I am stalling. I don’t know why. Well, I *do* know why – it’s because I am mentally exhausted. Just tired of thinking, period. I really need a vacation—from EVERYTHING ON EARTH—and that is why I am spending time that I should be working at Eviljob shopping Guide Gear on Amazon for China Silk gloves, socks, underwears, and balaclavas (black, naturellement; I’m still a goth girl in my heart-of-hearts)…which was what I did today. I am prepping for two upcoming trips, one of which I will be skiing on, if I have to force my way to the slopes at gunpoint.

And if I do have to resort to gunpoint, I need to look outrageously ninja-sexy doing it, hence the balaclava. It has absolutely nothing to do with being hopelessly sick and perverted.

No, rilly. It’s all about accessorising.

I am going to have to get some sleep. I will try to get back early from cat-catching and finish an actual post that has an actual beginning, middle, and end. Sigh.

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Ancodia's Inbox

Ok; I am back from kitty-feeding, and I just got this:

I wonder--what kind of a vase would you use to display those?

I wonder if they come in different colors!

I wonder about the fragrance!

I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water!

I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry!

I wonder if they are cheaper by the dozen!

I wonder if they come in long-stemmed!

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Road in Fishers (Indianapolis.) The sign is real and was up for about two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell 'peonies'.

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