still cannot sleep

i am in hell. a/c is still broken, because the tech mom was supposed to meet on Thursday (and missed) had Friday off. the company was kind enough to send out a portable unit that is in Mom's bedroom. the radiation is hard on her, and we are going to have to change radiation oncologists because this one is an idiot. my back hurts so badly that i am cramping. i have no more things to update, i guess. i am so depressed. there is more stuff, but it will have to wait, i don't feel like talking, i guess i am just lonely.

still cannot sleep

i am in hell. a/c is still broken, because the tech mom was supposed to meet on Thursday (and missed) had Friday off. the company was kind enough to send out a portable unit that is in Mom's bedroom. the radiation is hard on her, and we are going to have to change radiation oncologists because this one is an idiot. my back hurts so badly that i am cramping. i have no more things to update, i guess. i am so depressed. there is more stuff, but it will have to wait, i don't feel like talking, i guess i am just lonely.

Radioactive mommy

She was sick from the radiation yesterday, and i still need to finish Saturday's post. Sorry. Classes have begun again already, and i am doomed and damned if i cannot get this sleeping in hand. I am having nightmares about EVERYTHING, from trying to help mom stop her haematomas from bleeding, and i am all alone and can't get the bleeding to stop, to other shit, being beaten, assaulted, every night is another nightmare. I am not telling anyone about this, so shhh. I am on Facebook til all hours some nights, others i just drug the crap out of myself.

I cannot believe i am losing my batshit crazy mommy. I honest to elvis always thought she would be too bleeding insane to die, actually.

In other news, i am still kinda in love. I don't write about this here, cos it falls somewhere in between mom's dying and my coping with what is appearing to be a hellacious case of PTSD, and it is just out of place. For now.

I am working on getting some shit out as far as pubs, but now i am re-focussed on my actual graduation...i want mom to see it. That means it is sped up a tich.

Well, now back to work...and of course, *now* i am tired. ::sob::

For ages; for fifty years.

Today Mummers gets her results. I cannot sleep, Harry's new job doesn't allow him to come suck water out of my carpet until tomorrow from the flooded a/c (did i mention the a/c?) And I am watching Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts' Club Band, which I've not seen in years. Ever notice the LV print on Mr Big's coat during A Day In The Life? Well, I just noticed it. And where as a child I had thought Steven Tyler was the hawtness, now I acknowledge that this is an excellent example of the motif of harmful sensation (no, really -- it's one of my interests, trust me), which means that I am getting old and pedantic, or I might be in love.

Whatever I am, i cannot sleep.

I have been in such turmoil that I am having difficulty focussing, and have been too self-indulgent, possibly. I have less than one week to pull some magic out of my ass at Job 2. And I am in *pain*. Everything from Buffy the Vampire Slayer cramps to a backache which runs from the base of my skull to my SI area, which is in constant pain most of the time. 

Enough about me.  I need rest.  

Oh, btw

I am miserable.  And unmotivated to do anything.

Just in case i was unclear before.

Everything good is bad...everything bad is good.

Meg and Mummers are still in Baltimore and even though this is moving faster than here, I have adjusted, and it feels like a snail's pace. I am, for once in my life, so tied up in knots that I am having a hard time thinking.

In other news, Karen is coming back to the program that I am about to leave, and...I am very behind. I just feel sick. Screw it, there isn't Other News, except that I am going to beat Meg half to death if she doesn't start being more forceful. Oh, and, I have totally violated the sanctity of this blog by bringing someone in from Outside. Oh, and have I mentioned that I feel sick all the time anymore? :-\ 

This really is not like me...it just isn't.  Can't we just go back to having fun on here, rescuing cats, and kvetching about stupid people?

Desperation

I can't sleep. Betty's at work, and wanted to know if I will be in Baltimore for her surgery. Probably I will not, but I will tell you that if she has not metastisised, my skin graft scars will be the greatest source of pride for me ever. I might just wear shorts to show them off, because skin grafting means she's savable.

Don't Panic

Those of you who actually know me, know that I am ok.  That being said, though...

I have never thought so seriously about just plathing the bejeezus out of myself as I do now.  

In between life in general, the fact that I feel *way* too possessive about someone I am in like with (and things keep happening that hurt me), and that I worry what this year will bring career-wise, PLUS my mother's cancer, well...  

I just feel as if things will never be okay.  At least right now.  

But I am fine, so just leave me alone.  

My cat!

This is Squooshable, he's doing well, btw.