Tuesday, August 31, 2004

My so-called mind...

I am going absolutely, positively nuts with all the things I have to do. Ok-- I am now officially at the point where I freaking dread waking up, because I'll just find out more new stuff I have forgotten to do! Today I forgot to have this one article read & ready to discuss, and forgot to email a website to someone (I'd promised to do this a week ago!). This is like freaking Alzheimer's setting in. Oh! And I almost forgot to go to work this morning! Well, I forgot that last night. I mean seriously--that's bad. Well, it's my part-time job (the toxic energy dump) that I forgot about, so who can blame me? :-) I didn't totally forget--I did show up, and was on time, and all that other stuff, but...I'm getting flustered. Augh. I am such a dumbass.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Yay, Math.

Augh…how can it be so early in the term and I’ve already fallen behind? Ok, I’m not technically behind yet, but I will be tomorrow if I don’t read twenty pages. Blecch. I guess I’ll go get it done in a bit. But I don’t have to be happy about it. :-)

My Mom seems to be ok. She’s less sick today than she was yesterday, so I guess that’s a good thing. She won’t just rest though, and I hate it when she acts like that, though in that respect, she’s just like me, I guess. I have a hard time stopping, but probably when I get to be her age, or if I had her health problems, I would have caught a clue, you know? Ok, ok…maybe not. But damn it, you get what I mean.

My son-friend has started working part-time; it’s not a great job, it’s not a bad job. I’m just happy it’s a job. That way, he feels somewhat better about himself, and I feel somewhat better about my bank account balance. I still have been giving him some money these past few weeks, but nothing like what it was over the summer. If I could save up enough to get to go do something over winter break, that would be really wonderful. Nothing major, just like a couple hundred or so, and go away for a weekend, or something. I’m not picky.

I came home early today because tomorrow is a semi-all-day meeting (this means we sort-of break for class), and I have some laundry to do, and I have my heart set on a nap--or at least an early bedtime if I can’t get through twenty pages of stupid math quickly. Can you say “Phooey Poo-Poo, Boys and Girls? I know you can…”

I wish I were one of those majorly together types of people, but for some reason, no matter how hard I work, I can’t seem to manage it. For all of my life, I have never understood that. Sometimes it feels like everyone else on the planet got an instruction manual that I missed out on. :-) Or maybe they’re just getting more sleep. I know that definitely one thing is that whole not-doing-well-talking-to-people thing I do. But I don’t know how to fix it. And the close friends and stuff I have had don’t work out, for one reason or another, usually because they turn out to be nuts. I think I attract those types because I seem non-judgmental. I guess. Who cares—it’s not like it’ll change. But so I’ll spend this whole term waiting for the other shoe to drop, and who knows; perhaps it will.

No; I’m not upbeat today; I have to go do Math. I mean, who could be upbeat with that hanging over their head??

Saturday, August 28, 2004

My Mom

My Mom is sick again. She has some flu or cold or something. She's sneezing, and her blood sugar has stayed high all day. I always worry when stuff like this happens. She's had a lot of health problems in the past five years, and it's not good for her blood sugar to get and stay so high--it's been over 300--and ha, ha, this is god getting me back for being so wrapped up in my own stuff for the past week. I should have not gone out last night, and should have gone over to check on her, so it's partly my fault. Who knows what her blood sugar was all yesterday, because she won't take it unless someone makes her. It's like this whole weird role-reversal, and I feel like I'm the parent playing "bad cop" after a divorce, and she's the parent playing "good cop". Oh, and she gets to be the kid, too. And of course she likes her rules better than she likes mine. This is the heart patient with diabetes who will argue with you--with a straight face, she's serious--that chocolate-covered raisins count as fruit. It would be one thing if I thought she were making an informed decision; you know, one of those people who know what's coming and goes and eats fried lard and Ring-Dings and whatever else they want because they want to fully enjoy what time they have left. Now the fact that they're _that_ into deadly food to me should maybe be cause for a second thought or two in my book, but regardless, if they're an adult, and they've made an informed decision, that's ok. But the thing is, my Mom hasn't. She just doesn't seem to get this whole cause-and-effect thing. She doesn't take good care of herself; at her age, with her health, she will still fast to lose weight if she thinks she's getting heavy (she's not fat at all), and thinks that losing six pesky pounds that way is better for her heart than the uproar she throws her blood sugar into and the fact that when her blood sugar is that high/low, all the bad foods you eat just clog up your heart all that much more. She came from a different generation (my parents had me very late), and ok, true, to her not eating is a good diet, and healthy = skinny and all that, but... My point is that she isn't understanding the implications of what she is doing. When she does have that heart attack or stroke, or slips into that diabetic coma, she's not going to want to be there. So I'm trying to save her from herself.

I'm whining again, I know. But I'm overtired and crampy. And worried. She will probably be ok this time, but what scares me is that someday, she won't be ok. It's that inevitability that has me so upset. I'd rather it be me, because I worry that when it's her, she won't understand it.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Directonless Dingbat

Still no official word on why I was asked about prereqs, but I've heard that there have been errors in prereq enforcement in other classes this term, and I've been told that others in the class were asked, so I guess he's just being cautious. Regardless, I was directly emailed, not BCC'd, and the salutation addressed me by name, so it's not like I was totally off-base by wondering if it was just me.

Everything went mostly ok today, even though it was a long day. Had a painful dinner with some school/work-friends; we were working late, so we decided to take it to a restaurant, and we had what I guess could best be called a social clash of egos. Basically, two of the girls with us started making with the social one-upmanship about twenty minutes into it. Everything was fair game--illnesses, love lives, travels, the heartbreak of psoriasis...you name it, they've had it better, or worse. I just finally gave up trying to talk, in general found it boring, and of course nothing worthwhile was accomplished. I don't get some girls. Why can't you just be you? That's what I wanted to scream out, but didn't. In fairness, one of them is worse than the other, but they both have enough of particular personality types to have clashed. So it was like Attack of the Drama Queens and Attention Pigs. Brutal. Really.

Note To Self: Wait at least a month or two before attempting that again.

No, really--to subject my fragile constitution to such upheaval again might give me the vapors...I swear! :-) ...and that was typed in my very bestest and most histrionic Scarlett O'Justshootme font! :-)

But seriously, even with that, it was an ok day. I did come up with some decent ideas that, true, I need to flesh-out a little, but they might be workable as far as this one job that's kind of a long-term project. At the end of the project, we have to have something to show for all of our work and time, otherwise we run a chance of not being asked back, is basically the issue. Not being asked back means that job is over, and Mr Credit Card Company gets grumpy. Considering that this is my _main_ job, it also means I'm in a scramble to pay basic bills and help out loved ones, so Mr Credit Card Company can get as grumpy as he wants, he doesn't get jack. But let's not focus on the negative. The _positive_ is that I thought of at least two things that would be easy enough to do, and would definitely count as productivity. At least I think it would.

See, the real problem here is that for this job, we have kind of a project manager. Not precisely as such--this person actually has a different title--but that's essentially what they do--manage this project. And they're one of the ones that's gone a lot. And I am not sure of what I am doing. Ok, I'm a blithering incompetent, but at least I show up every day, and I'm _trying_ to get stuff done, plus it's my first time to do something like this. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right things, if what I write up is correct, or good, and when I try to get direction, I come away with a lot of feel-good stuff, but again, not a lot of direction. So I worry and panic. I mean, this is my livelihood we're talking about here. And I don't know how to do it. So that's one of the things that is actually really bothering me. I don't want to keep hearing all the squooshy lovebunny talk about how great I am, and how she knows I can handle this, and it's all easy--it feels like pep-talking a chicken before you stick its head down into one of those choppy things. Well, ok...you get my analogy. I'm scared about it, though. I actually really, truly am. But I did some decent thinking today, and a side group of us are going to meet on Wednesday to try to see if it might work, or some permutation of it, or something. So that's good. We were going to talk about it some this evening, but we didn't, opting instead to talk about...well...total crap. I guess that's winding down after work? Yeah, ok...whatever.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Weirdness, cars, and mysteries.

What the hell?!? I just got an email from one of my instructors, asking if I, in fact, have the prerequisites for the class in which I am currently enrolled. Now normally, I wouldn't take offense, but it wasn't addressed to anyone else--just me. His salutation contains my name. What's up with this? I just replied and affirmed that I have had them, but now I'm wondering what this is all about. Ok, so call me paranoid. I mean, it's not normal to ask that; it's a closed class; there are only ten enrolled, and it's "closed" in the sense that you aren't able to enroll without the prerequisites, so...??? Oh, well. I guess I'll find out in class tomorrow morning.

Work went ok today--both of them. I confess that I ducked out early on the second one, but that's ok, because I was the only one there. And I needed to get my oil changed, like really, really badly. The guy at the place where I go knows me by now--I'm the girl who comes in dutifully every 5 - 6,000 miles for an oil change, whether the car needs it or not. :-) Well, lookit--those are expensive, and I _do_ augment the oil sludge in-between changes with Marvel Mystery Oil and stuff. It's not like I'm totally neglectful. My car loves me, and thinks I treat it just fine. It told me so. Well...it hasn't complained. :-) This rationale is lost on Scott The Mechanic, however, who favors a by-the-book interpretation of the rules. And in this way, Chirrin, we have an illustration of the difference between the executive and the judicial branches of car maintenance.

I started a new mystery book yesterday, and I'm just about through with it. It's not a bad one, and that's good, because it's probably the last one I'll be able to fit in for a month or two. This is in spite of the fact that I read everywhere--at traffic lights, while I'm walking, in elevators, while Scott The Mechanic is kvetching--you name it. I discovered a few years ago that I like mysteries, cozies specifically. I never thought I liked mysteries, then I moved into a new apartment, and that evening the cable was out, my crap was everywhere, I was exhausted, and so I ended up watching a static-filled made-for-TV movie called Murder At The PTA Luncheon. I just thought it was cool. So I bought the book, and all the other books by that same author at my favorite used bookstore that has cats in it--really, they have three cats there and they are so sweet, but that's a description for another time--and then started getting antsy because there weren't any more. So I started reading other authors that were similar, and before I knew it, I was hooked. :-) They have subsections of mysteries for every possible interest--the ones that are dedicated to food aficionados, pet lovers, lesbians, former nuns, ladies that don't consider car upkeep a dire enough issue to merit throwing wrenches--you name it, it's a series. I once found a website that listed a bunch of mystery authors and genres in a way such that you could find an author you liked, and they recommended similar authors--majorly cool. :-) Although Valerie Wolzien is probably always going to be my favorite, I especially liked the Southern Sisters series, and even cried when I finished reading the last one after their author, Anne George, died. Stupid, I know, but it made me sad.

Sigh...why do I mention it, or ramble on? I don't know. Just because.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Freaky and Spooky :-)

Ok...like I said, freaky & spooky...all the aforementioned formatting weirdness went back to normal. Go figure. Maybe the formatting fixed itself because it felt sorry for me. :-) Well, it could happen.

Today I guess didn't suck too badly. It was a kind of rainy day, and those are nice! And I had my first meeting of the (sort-of) math class I am taking this term. I say sort-of math, because it's actually a special topics math, but I don't want to go all into the explanation, because it's frankly boring. At least the way it's being taught. This is the second in a series that I've had with this professor, and It'll probably suck. He's probably a nice person, but he just isn't a good teacher. I'm not saying that to be mean, it's just that someone can have all the expertise in the world and not be able to convey it to another person, and that's this guy. But the good part of this is that there was a very cute guy in the class in Spring, and it looks like he's going to stay with our group for the series, because he was in there today. :-) I've never actually talked to him for like, a long time, just two superficial conversations at the most, but he's cute. I just like looking at him. I've seen a lot of the back of his head, since I sit in the back, and it's a cute head, but I like his eyes; they're warm and friendly; he seems nice, I just can't think of any reason to talk to him, or anything. Geez. Ok, so I'm an idiot.

I try not to think too much about whether I think a guy is cute or not anymore. I know that is probably close to the stupidest thing ever said, but it's true. That way, I don't say dumb stuff, and I don't get all sad when they are gay, committed, married, or all three. :-) And it's actually easy to do after a while; you just forget to notice most of the time.

I can't wait until autumn kicks in...I am looking forward to (sorta) my birthday, and Halloween, and winter. "Sorta" my birthday, because I don't really celebrate it; I don't see the point, there's no one else who sees the point, and there's always other things to do. I try to do something special somewhere around that day that's just for me, and I usually manage to somewhere in the vicinity of the right day. Like last year, I decided I would take a few hours and go for a drive to this small town a few miles away, because I'd never seen it. When I got there, they had this cute little town square thing, and it had a hardware store there. I'm not exactly a hardware store kind of girl, but it wasn't like a normal hardware store; they had other things. Well, I ended up buying a present for myself! It's this super-wonderful incense burner that's shaped like a little log cabin, and came with pine-scented incense cones that really smell very pine-y. And it was only $4-ish. So yay! :-) I am working and have class on my birthday this year, but I will try to do something like that again this year, and I hope it turns out as well!

Shpeaking of shpooky, it would be very cool if this Halloween I could get a pumpkin and carve it, but I'd probably mess it all up and waste the money, and I'll probably be too busy by then, anyway. I would love also to make this winter stew I saw on (I think) the Food Network a year or so ago; you serve it in the gourd from which it was made, which I think is very cool. I think I would have been happy in a big family that has a large Halloween party and Thanksgiving and Christmas; I was just thinking about that yesterday when I stopped to get notebooks and stuff for class (not like I procrastinate, huh?); I stopped in JoAnn Fabrics, and they had all their Halloween and Thanksgiving stuff 40% off, not that I could afford it even then, but anyway, they had this really cool metal turkey candleholder that would be the greatest centerpiece ever with some extra decorations, and back in their fabrics, they had this beautiful patchwork-style fabric in all autumn colors that would make such a gorgeous tablecloth, or even a runner, and it would be so easy to put a decorative trim on the ends! If I'd had the money, my cat and I would have enjoyed it muchly this holiday season! :-) I wish I had the time to make some things like that, but since I don't have the time _or_ money, I guess it's not a big deal.

I still have some Christmas ornaments I made from fabric a while back; I liked them a lot, but the person I made them for didn't like them. They were a bunch of bows, all in Christmassy plaids, with white backings to accent the plaid. I had had to make them quickly, because I didn't have much advance warning, just a comment about how that particular Christmas was going to be so awful because of having no tree, no family, etc., that I thought I should try to do something about it. I made them all in two nights, while I was working (thank god I don't work overnights anymore!), made a braided ribbon garland too, and then got a tree. It went over like a lead balloon. I don't think the ribbons looked tacky; I think they looked pretty, and would look even better with other decorations, but I think the tree itself looked pretty enough. I'm not very religious, but I like the holiday, and someday I will put up a tree and use the bows, and I will get other pre-made decorations to go with it, and maybe make some more of my own, too. I don't think that's necessarily tacky; just because I am just as happy--or more--with something I made myself I don't think makes me tacky, it just means that I spend a lot less at Department 56 than other girls. :-)

Yes, I am pathetic, and look forward to the holidays so much each year, and they're usually not all that great in actuality, plus I'm not very religious, and am actually a skeptic, though not an "angry atheist" at all. I know; I'm stupid. I'm an optimistic pessimistic optimist! And I've got my fingers crossed for this season...oh, wait; I don't believe in superstitions, either...!

Monday, August 23, 2004

Just saying hi.

I've been very busy with work and now school has started back. I hope this term goes well, that I don't have to run around putting out the most immediate fire all the time, that I can get organized...sigh. It won't happen. I'm not trying to be a pessimist, but there are just some things that will never happen. I feel like I will never have time to myself, like I will never be able to get a full night's sleep, I will never get to do anything that I want to do just for me, just for fun. Ok, I'm whining again. But this comes after several weeks' worth of break where all I did was work; I'm still behind in one job, because two of the other people I work with decided to just flake out--one was there but not working, and the other just left (attendance isn't mandatory, but we have due dates for things that aren't negotiable). My other job is in a state of permanent confusion; we're changing owners, and everyone is quitting, getting fired, written up, you name it. This second job I hate. I dread going there; I can't wait to leave. It is, in the words of that stupidass Fish! book, a toxic-energy waste dump, or however they put it. This is the job I do in what would otherwise be "free time". I could sleep in, listen to A Prairie Home Companion, catch up on my reading if I quit, and have more time to study and write this dumb idea for a book I have. But I would also have less money. A lot less. As in I-probably-wouldn't-make-it less. If I didn't have to pay and "lend" so much out, things would be ok, but that's not the case. And probably won't ever be. So oh, well.

I am really tired, but I guess I just had to vent. I'd better go to sleep so I can get up early and go back to that second-job hellhole, then I have class, then I go to my other job, then I go home and do it all over again the next day. Why I bother to write, I don't even know; I have to be the most boring person in the world.

Monday, August 09, 2004

I am so stupid.

In trying to play with this blog, I somehow reformatted it. Now all the stuff that should be on the upper right-hand side is down in the lower right-hand side, and I am too stupid to figure out what I did. I even changed templates, hoping it would go back to normal, and it won't. Oh, well. I am sure that, as with so many other things in my life, in a few weeks I'll have it figured out, and be embarrassed by my abject stupitude. I am a moron.

On the other hand, I kind of like this template...it reminds me of the view outside my bedroom window when it's raining. Well, the top banner part does. Ok, so I'm stupid--I said that already. Never has there been anything dumber than me. Fine.

If anyone ever reads this, I apologise. I wish I weren't so freaking retarded, also. Not that there was anything in the upper right-hand corner worth reading, but whatever. At this rate, I'll have the whole site crashed by morning. I should go to sleep now before I destroy anything else.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

A Mom's Advice

A girl I work with today mentioned to me that her mother always told her that, in any relationship, only one person is the one that is really in love. She said her mother always warned her not to let that one person be her. That sounds like excellent advice. I wish my mother had made me think like that, too. Not that it helped my work-friend; she's madly in love. But still...

This is living...

I have never been less motivated to go to work. I'm sleepy still, it's going to be a beautiful, rainy day, and I'm going to miss Garrison Keillor for the millionth time. Ok, so I'm all about me. So freaking what? I wish I could call in sick. I can't, but I wish I could. Or quit. :-) Ok, so now I'm really smiling. Geez...I feel like I could sleep for a week. I want to get dressed, wander over to Build-A-Bear, make a big-ass polar bear, bring it home and sleep, listen to A Prairie Home Companion, and read all day. I'd even read to the polar bear. And then go to M.T. Bear Company and get some cute outfits for him, because they have a cute plaid thingy I've been wanting to get. And maybe another furry friend. Sigh...I'm dreaming. Ok, ok--I'll go get dressed. Sigh. Grumble.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

She's back (yay)!

Ok, so I survived the trip. It actually was nice, for the most part. Well, sort-of. The flight there I mostly slept through, since I brought Xanax. It's not that I don't like flying; I love flying. It's the crashing I don't like. Not that I've ever crashed, but geez...we humans are capable of vicarious learning, right? Well, that's what I've done--vicariously learned that I don't like crashing. The airline people were...special. I mean, there were some nice people, or at least ones that were just doing their jobs and no more, and I'm fine with that, but I ran into two SERIOUSLY grumpy-ass people that were like on a mission to make everyone miserable. I think people like that take it out on me because I'm quiet(er) than others, or because I try to be nice, or because I'm alone, or maybe because I look like I'll put up with it, or understand, or something. Which I guess I do, if you think about it. The first one had just gotten fussed at by a guy and his wife, and so for some reason it was my fault by the time I got up there. Well, I mean, there was a problem with tickets, and I do really understand, I just don't know why it always has to be me, you know?

During the trip, I did get pretty lonely a few times, but that's not a big deal. A lot of people talked to me, and they were very nice. It was very pretty overall, and I think I got a lot of nice pictures. If I ever do get married, or have a boyfriend, that's one of the places I would like to travel to; it would be more fun with company, I think. It would be nice to have someone to laugh with when funny things happen, which they did a few times. Well, on the other hand, one of the funny things was that I had to eat a Ramen noodle soup with only chopsticks and one of those big spoons, and well, let's just say that I don't have a talent for it. :-) That maybe wasn't a moment I should want to share. I figured that I could tell someone that rival Japanese gangs had a food fight in the restaurant and I got caught in the crossfire, but no one asked why I was wearing Ramen noodle soup as I slunk back to my hotel. I am such an idiot. :-) But it was very beautiful away from the tourist-y part, and I do wish I could have shared that with someone.

I have this stupid kind-of mental list of things I want to do if I ever have someone again, and I got to add a bunch to that, so that's really depressing and pathetic. :-) I mean stuff other than sex. I have an entirely separate list for sex-stuff. I figure I should make multiple lists kind of out of respect for him, whomever he is, because _everything_ doesn't have to be about sex. So there's companionship stuff, and friendship stuff, and emotional stuff, and no one really cares, or ever will, besides me, so I'll shut up.

While I was gone, my mother took it upon herself to remodel one of my bathrooms. Why? Because she got bored and didn't have anything left of her own to have remodelled. No, really. That, and because she's freaking weird. But so am I, I guess. It could suck worse. There are now a bunch of shelves that I can smack my head on when I forget they're there, I have a new sink, new toilet, new smelly potpourri thing a-fuming away in there, and new towel racks, and a bunch of other stuff. Did I mention that I liked my bathroom just fine? Teach me to give people access to my place. I am mainly only grumpy about it because of the aforementioned head-smacking thing (I'm like a foot taller than she is, almost), and the fact that when I got home, all I wanted to do was go to the bathroom, shower, and brush my teeth, and I got to do none of those, since she had all my stuff moved out of the bathroom, and the grout in the shower wasn't dried. I guess I got home early. That, or she got the idea a day or so after I left, and didn't get around to getting anyone to do anything until a few days before I got back. Sigh.

My son-friend is still out of a job, but what's new? His girlfriend and her daughter moved in with him, so I hope things will get better. They are total dingbats, and can't manage money or his health problems, but I will have to think about that stuff later, because I am still tired from the trip; it was too much of a time change. I gave him $140, which was all that I could spare, and that was enough; I mean, he's still alive, he had gas and food and stuff, so it couldn't have been too little. I am trying to relax right now and playing online poker. :-) I have built up a small empire and am ready for the Final Table, Baby! :-)

I have also promised myself that, now that I am back, I will start writing again. I started one book, and I think it was pretty good, but then I started feeling like I was just being stupid and wasting time, and so I stopped. But the truth is, I really enjoyed it, just doing the writing. I guess that's one of the benefits of not having anyone to talk to. :-) And I wrote that while thinking, "with whom to speak"...lol! I maybe *am* getting better and less picky. ;-)