Still awake

I fucked up on Facebook and posted a status about Mummers' being on a ventilator, something we've withheld from her sisters because (1) it was Mom's express wish that everything humanly possible be done to prolong her life and give her body the chance to heal, and I am morally obligated to comply; (2) there's nothing they can do about it, or to help; (3) hovering over her and shaking her awake to say good-bye would only confuse and distress her, it is a wholly selfish act on the part of the person who gets to stay living, and I will not tolerate this happening to my mother; (4) because her older sister, if anything, is in worse health than Mommy overall, and does not need the emotional roller coaster of progress-setback-progress we are riding, and yes, that is not my aunt's decision, but I don't give a fuck what she wants, I know what is best for her. We are doing everything possible, and complying with Mom's wishes, and we do not need either interference or to put my aunt in hospital from panic attacks or something.

But anyway, I fucked up and mentioned Mom's spontaneous trial (off-ventilator, to see how you are breathing on your own, and mom has done smashingly; she is still intubated, but the vent is being used as a CPAP, now for over twenty-four hours, and Mom is not tiring). My one cousin who is the sister of my fuckhead televangelist cousin seems to have seen my post, though it was only up for about an hour. Meg read the Riot Act to me. I deleted it asap, and being older (my televangelist cousin and his sister are too old to understand how Teh Intarwebz actually work), now they can't 'find' the post I made (I got a voicemail about this, so I know my one cousin told the other to look, or something). So the short of it is that I guess I am having to really censor my FB posts for right now.

I think everyone has my IRL FB, but if not, just let me know. I have decided, I believe, to open my doors here to some friends who already know everything, anyway. I'm mulling over that decision.

Anyway, I know some may not agree with the way all of us siblings have decided to run this -- the withholding of information and so on -- and if you feel that way, I am sorry we disagree on this point. My thoughts are that while you are in this nice, healthy body you may disagree, but if you lived in a frail, 80-year old body that had constant aches and pains, and complained that the evening news moves too fast to keep up with, if you could spend a day or two having anxiety and chest pains because your little cat got outside, and won't come back in, and you are too weak to go hunting for her, so you have to wait until the neighbour girl will go look for you...if you had empathy for that, you might understand our decision a little better. Not everyone gets to ride the rollercoaster, and there are reasons why. It is in their best interest to be protected.

More later...I have to try to sleep, even if it is for twenty minutes. I have such a headache, and I need to be held. :-/ Or, I need someone to put a nice cartoon movie like Disney or something on TV and pet my hair and rub my back while I sleep, and talk to me about non-stupid things (keeping an ear out for when I need to say something, which I mostly don't except when sadness or fear become too much) and I know I am too specific in what I need, and this is why I will never find anyone, but...at least I know my own heart. Sigh.

My boy is doing okay in some departments, but that is another post for another day. Since mom was transferred to CICU in a non-communicative state, I've told him to leave me alone. He also turned up sick yesterday, so I told him to stay the fuck away from me physically; my mother is too immunocompromised to be able to fend off even a summer head cold at this point. I've dried my skin out, as has Meg, switching to Dial soap in the shower to help de-contaminate us, and we're constantly washing our hands, both in hospital and at home. I have virtually no fingernails to speak of from all the washings and foamings. Sigh. But...this is my mother. I need her, and I am obligated to take good care of her, regardless.

Ok...sleep for a bit. More later. <3





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