I am sick, but okay. I am still sad a lot, and I have to teach tomorrow and just don't feel like it. Sweetie is sleeping on me. She snores like a pig. Mom used to call Sweetie her 'guard cat' because Sweetie gets very agitated when no humans are around, and sticks by her 'person' (used to be Mom) non-stop.
I am still scared. I don't know if that feeling is going to go away any time soon. I am trying to not be depressed, but I am. I am taking care of day-to-day things, but not much more. I know, I know...snap out of it. I'm working on it. I get scared also when I don't hear from my brother, and I am listening to the news all the time, even though I hate the news because it is so...over the top anymore. Usually I listen only to NPR/CBC/BBC, and I am trying to tone it down. It's not like my monitoring will keep my brother from getting blowed up. Sigh.
My life is so much emptier without Mummers and her shenanigans.
I've possibly given myself IBD from the stress and depression (I know, I'm glamourous), and the guy -- This Guy -- is of no help. He says 'call me', and when I do, he yammers on about himself. Over Christmas (he's xtian and doesn't celebrate a 'Holiday Season' like my family does, and just has this dead space betwixt Thanksgiving and Christmas, where my family always just kind of kept the holiday rolling through Chanukah and Christmas, neither of which we were religious about...I guess it's hard to explain), This Guy had insinuated that he would make up for not honouring my birthday (I got something for both him and his son, who is a few days apart in date, then he ignored my birthday entirely...not even a card). Well, Stupid here shook off her depression and bought him something. And he had forwarded to me his son's Christmas list, which I thought was a bit assumptive, but he had his son over Xmas, so I got him a gift card.
And I got nothing. Bupkis. Again, not even a card. Do I need to *say* that this hurt me? It did. As much as our family squabbles, we are in a way very tight. I cannot talk to them like I do here, but we are really bound to each other, and holidays mean a lot. It's not just about buying nice things, but sharing time, remembering to say 'I love you' to cousins I wish I could sell to the gypsies, and making sure some members who are extra close and deserve it have some very nice things and times. For me, that's been Mom and Meg, and my brother and his family a little less cos of how far away he is, followed by my father and stepmother. I always made sure Mom went to nice dinners with entertainment she enjoyed, that sort of thing. But This Guy doesn't do any of that, and wants me to celebrate Xmas like his family does, he doesn't care to learn about my family's culture or anything, and even wanted me to make a LIST of what I wanted. A LIST!
As old as I am, my father would slap my face off if he heard that I had presented someone with a god damned list of demands. My mother raised me to respond to any enquiries like that by saying that whatever it is in their heart to give is exactly what I want. And really, it's true. I *do* treasure cards that tell me I am dear to someone. Meg once gave me a jar of some strange creme she found at Wal-Mart as part of one of my sorta-Chanukah presents because I'd commented months ago how nice it smelled on her hands, and she remembered. That meant a lot to me, that she would remember me like that, and so yes, I am PERFECTLY happy with whatever it is in someone's heart to give -- a luxury, a necessity, a token of love...it's all good.
Which is why I was so hurt, literally feeling as if my heart had been ripped out, when I didn't even get a card that said 'sorry about 2010, you are a good person, I love you, and hope 2011 will be better'. Or a nice slow dance in privacy. Or a drive to see lights. Or *something*. Even him shutting up about himself and listening to me talk.
And I have to sleep soon, but...I know that I am weird. I was raised in a completely fucked-up, dysfunctional family. We are strange. But I have always thought we were interesting, or something. I have never had someone be less interested. I have had some guys look a little doofy trying to fit in too fast, but I have never had one who just invalidated my whole family, background, history, and culture. I wish it were different. I thought it would be. :(
And after all of that, he was hurt that I didn't include him in Holiday stuff with family (even though largely it was Meg and me, going through the motions), and I had tried at first, at the beginning of December, after deciding that the Famille d'Ancodia Thanksgiving was a bad time to formally introduce him, mainly because of the culture shock, disorganisation without Mummers, and so on. So I thought I would try to explain in advance how my family works after Thanksgiving, and maybe try to include him in some of it. Well, he cut me off immediately with 'I'm a Christian -- we celebrate *Christmas*' as if I were an addlepated five-year old. I tried to explain that in my family it's the whole shebang, that we're not exactly religious, but it is important to us, and he started talking about himself. I *had* been about to invite him to a not-really-Chanukah at my father's, and was trying to warn him that proselytising or making cracks about Jews, Freemasons, or Omarians (my father's own religion, he made it up; it's followers of Omar Khayyam) might not be a good 'let's fit in' strategy, especially seeing that my father is not Christianity's biggest fan. I was explaining that this would be a 'come, be nice, maybe learn something' sorta-party. Well, I think he was still pissed off that I'd not invited him to my father's birthday (why would I?) and immediately made a dig at my father and then went on to talk about himself. I just shut up. Over a week later, he asked me when this thing was (the get-together), and I told him it'd already occurred...a few times. This was a little more than in previous years because of no Mom and Dad's birthday trip to the Bahamas. Well, This Guy was all like, 'I'm really disappointed, blah, blah, blah, schedule another one'. I told him that I don't control holidays or what my pagan father does, so maybe next year. Then, after I got back from seeing my brother off to Shitcanistan, I went to visit him and he not only did not say anything about being glad I am back, but started off by saying 'Happy Chanukah', and I couldn't tell if he was serious or being an ass, so I just told him thank you, but it was over. And I have tried to tell him about my brother (remember, he converted to mackerel snapper for his wife), and one would have thought someone who cared about me in a friendship or love way would at *least* remember that I am a mutt, and maybe randomly taking pot shots at others' religious beliefs (or lack thereof) is not a good idea, because there is a STRONG likelihood that I've got one in my tree.
I just blame it all on Spain; if they hadn't thrown the Jews out, my family would still be there, probably. So it's ultimately the Christians' fault I am this way. ;->
Anyway, it somehow came up (as my eyes are still swollen from crying all the way home from seeing Brat off) that Catholics are stupid, etc... Well, not only is my brother one, but my in-law family are all devout, and god damn it, I've just lost him to Shitcanistan, and after my mother's funeral, my SiL (in real life, I just call her my sister)'s whole family could not have been kinder, warmer, more welcoming...anything. Meg and I got a tour of the Baton Rouge Garden District to acquaint ourselves and take our minds off our tragedy; C (my SiL; I'm feeling too kindly towards her to nickname her Jackie O)'s mom and dad bent over backward to give us good dinner conversation and a lovely breakfast the next day. I honestly felt at home, and I don't say that often. Her family had even driven *to* my mother's ceremony in Mississippi, then we caravanned to Baton Rouge. They were under obligation to do NONE of this, but in doing so completely solidified our family bonds. So yeah, when This Guy started making cracks about Catholics, I just left. One of my friends has suggested that, even if only on a subconscious level, TG *did* remember and is trying to alienate me from my family, and that may be so.
I don't know what to do. Before ignoring my birthday, everything was okay. He talked about himself a whole lot, but I figured that was nervousness. Now, after all that has happened, I just don't know. My friends hate him. Even Jenna and Sabra, the last holders-out, changed their minds after Christmas. Sabra made a big deal out of the no-present thing, and thinks I am being a sucker for saying even a card would have redeemed him.
Today when I talked to him, he asked how I was, then interrupted me to talk about how *he* was. Then he mass-mailed some jackass shit to me on Facebook, cc'ing some weird woman he was with ten years ago, and I was upset because her reply ended up in my mail. I don't WANT to know her. Plus, he's already let me know that I am not as 'hot' as she is, and since she is a mother, he holds her up as being more accomplished. I reply to none of this...he should know my feelings are being hurt. So I put it aside, then he starts talking about her, then says he's getting upset and needs to go to bed. And in all this time, it's been almost twenty days since he asked me how my brother is, or how my brother's wife and kids are.
I'll have to continue later...I am injuring myself all over again, and I need sleep. But...these are some of the things that are bothering me. And school fuckery. And having to move, none of which This Guy cares about. Or so it seems.
Ok...g'night.
Oh, one quick cat update: Butler II is trying to meow for me. This makes my heart warm. :->
- Posted using SomeBlogApp that I don't know how to use. o_O
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