I am okay. Still depressed, nervous, and scared, but okay. My brother leaves for his deployment weekend after next, and I am really wondering what else could possibly happen to make this the worst Holiday Season EVER.
I am sure They'll think of something.
I am only treading water in the classes I am teaching; I am behind in making MOAR changes to my writing. I feel as if my job applications have turned into hail mary passes. Most of my friends are tired of my depression, so I have been staying quiet.
I still miss Mom and think about her every day. I still cry every day. I got invited to go see Tron Legacy weekend after next, and turned it down because I am cutting back so far in my budget and because that is the weekend that my brother leaves, and I don't think I am going to feel like doing anything, anyway. As far as I know, after I see him this weekend, I may never see him -- alive -- again. I will enter into six months of constant terror that something has happened, and I just haven't heard yet. And the way I expect things to go, it won't be for just six months.
And I know this has become tedious to hear...it has become tedious to LIVE. And I don't know how to make it all stop.
I don't know why anyone would want to be still reading this, but I guess I apologise in advance. I must have been a very bad person in a previous life. ::smirk::
And I *am* sorry about being depressing; I hate it, too.
In Other News, the cats are fine (Sweetie, my newfound sleep-buddy, is right beside me), and at Eviljob, Butler II is trying hard to learn to meow at me. He's a sweet cat. I wish I could take him.
Sabra is literally insane; I have been avoiding her like the plague. This person she's decided is The One is a former *student* of hers (this is a very bad area, ethically; it's generally a good idea to not get involved in that way with students), and it turns out that he is *engaged*. So...I am totally avoiding her. She is talking crazy, and...I just cannot deal right now.
This Guy is being sort of okay, but largely no support whatsoever. I tried to talk to him tonight about my brother, and he kept changing the subject back to him. I am tired of it. I almost told him to just quit phoning me, but I held off because I don't want to make a decision out of anger or hurt, and it seems like that is all I feel anymore.
I have to change things. I have to change EVERYTHING. I just don't know how to yet. And I hate feeling like this.
- Posted using SomeBlogApp that I don't know how to use. o_O
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1 comment:
Hi. I'm not a blog reader, I don't know anything about you, and I ended up here following links for info on Clavamox. But I wanna say, hang in there. I lost my Mom in November 1997 and it still hurts all the time. Sure, I get busy and go whole weeks without missing her and sometimes the memories are positive ones. But as long as she's not here I will not be the same person I was.
A month is no time at all -- It might as well have been yesterday. Anyone who thinks you should be "getting over it" is an idiot. You deserve complete and unconditional love and support.
I'm sorry also that you have to deal with your brother going away. Your fears are absolutely real. But of course you feel them all the more deeply for having recently lost your Mom. Try to remember that the vast majority of men and women come home safe, try to hold onto that.
Life does get better. It just happens really slowly and incrementally over time. Anti-depressants help :) For sleeping I take trazadone which is a failed anti-depressant and not-habit-forming. (Ironically I don't need the trazadone because of my Mom, but because of the long drawn out death of cat Fred, but that's another story).
Thanks for that old post on Clavamox, it really helped!
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