I'm depressed and scared, and it's hard to keep up this front of holding it together when I'm not. Meg isn't much better emotionally, nor is my brother, but they aren't in the mess I am in financially, either. After the spur-of-the moment death expenses, none of us are planning any cruises in the near future (the three of us had to divide the cost because Mom's Master Plan involved not ever dying, so she had nothing planned), but after paying to get my car in shape earlier this year so that I could drive her two hours to chemotherapy, the funeral killed me. And I'm not asking for money, so don't. This is where I talk honestly, so there. Things aren't good.
It may be September-ish before I am employed...it will probably be then, *if* then. And I'm scared. And before Mom went in hospital the first time -- in August -- I did something really stupid; I lent someone money for a new car battery ($100, not counting the 'core charge' of $12 that I never got back either), and then I lent them tuition money ($1180) that I was assured I would get back in September. Well, when I asked at the beginning of November how that 'paying me back' thing was going, I was assured I'd get my $1,000. Somehow what *I* am considering a $1,300 debt became a $1,000 one that I still don't have back. I hate it when people act this way, and were Mom alive (and were I to tell her about it), she would be disgusted with me and probably quote 'neither a borrower, nor a lender be'. Several times. So I'm a goose, true. Never again, though. Never, ever again.
It sucks so badly that good people with honest hearts end up getting fucked. It seems at times that the only way to survive is to cut everyone away and focus only on saving oneself. I am not worried about any kind of karmic repercussions, as Karma never seems to get around to kicking the asses of my foes. Sigh.
I was told on Monday that I look like Death, and that's not the first time someone's told me that. It's not meant in a bad way, they meant Gaiman's personification of Death (on my To Read list, if ever time allows, and I'll try to attach 'the' drawing if I can here, it's one drawing in particular; if someone Nagled me, this'd be close) but...if I were she, I would certainly spend this weekend righting some wrongs. No, really...I would. Actually, I would be a lot more relaxed if I were Death. I'd not have taken Mom, and I'd know my cats and brother will be okay, too. Meg as well, for that matter. And then I would go after Evildoers and try to help people. Being Death would rock...at least the way *I* would do it. I've no clue if Gaiman's Death is half as cool as me. Probably not; when on my game, I can be pretty freaking cool. :->
Hugs and love this season. If you are reading this, I <3 you. Do good things.
- Posted using SomeBlogApp that I don't know how to use. o_O
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