ATM Fix Everything!

It's New Year's Eve. Where would I be?






One of my resolutions, yes, is to be a better blogger. And to wreak vengeance upon my brand-new nemesis. Largely, things are good. I have a lot for which to be thankful. And if you are reading this, I love you. I'll try to post more later, but...happy new year. <3


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I am ok.

Things are better. I have to become much more selective about the people I allow to share my life-space.

Today I am watching documentaries as I am cleaning and packing.

http://youtu.be/07nUN916NUs




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In case you didn't know.

I am not good enough, nor will I ever be.

That is all.


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It lives.

I am ok. Today is an emotional day, where the dam just breaks. I will be ok. Again I promise to start writing more. <3

And I am having caffeine withdrawal headaches. Maybe that's it. I over-caffeinated myself to the point of having tremors, and today is my first caffeine-free day.

I will be fine.


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I feel lucky...oh-so lucky...

Today I found, by a total freak accident, the majority of my mother's valuable jewellery hoard. This includes one piece that I have been heartbroken over (potentially) losing because of its monetary and sentimental value.

My god, but my mother hid things well. Had I not happened to look for No Reason Whatsoever today, this all would have likely been thrown out.

The expensive commissioned piece I am giving to Meg. Mom would have wanted her to have it. The rest are some pieces I would like for sentimental reasons, but I won't die if Meg or my brother wants them.

In Other News, I am free. Yes, that's right; after all these years, I am finally graduated and DONE. So...I am coming back here more often.

A few years ago, I had been in a meeting, and I was trying to post a blog via email, so that it would look like I was working. Stupidity being what it is, I accidentally emailed someone in our group -- also a member of the faculty -- from the wrong email address. I don't think this person would look that email address up, but in case they did, I was concerned for my anonymity. At the very least, I couldn't speak freely here any longer.

Well, until a couple weeks ago.

At the moment, I'm going to nap. I have been crying in happiness since I found Mummers' cache of 'real' jewellery (her less-valuable and costume pieces were kept in a jewellery box like normal; things she was afraid might be stolen and were irreplaceable, she hid), and my eyes are tired, but my heart is light. I am ok. Everything is going to be ok now.

More later, but this time I mean it. <3



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...then take this vest of plaster, these boots of concrete, and mark them down as surplus, return to Mulberry...

I am ok; I am almost free.
Just a few more days.





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Trying...

I am working, trying to complete something huge, and am feeling down.

It doesn't help at all that the self-absorbed arse I tried to date somehow decided that we are still dating (wth?) and is trying to take credit for "supporting me" throughout this process. I don't even have the energy to point out that he still owes me $350, and that is with giving him credit for a $30 gift card that he gave me as a gift and applying it to what he owes me.

This is implying that I haven't written off the entire amount; I have.

But I am down and tired. All the cats are ok, everyone is ok. Once I get this finished, I promise I will talk more.




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Talking to Squooshable.

Squooshable told me he renamed this day 'Miss Old Lady Day'.

I tell him this not nice name.

He say it very nice name.

There no is reasoning with him.

:-/


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Updates

I am mostly ok. Still fighting the good fight, publication-wise. Hopefully I will have resolution by the end of May. Please keep your fingers crossed, because I am at my wits' end. I have had to go on Buspar to manage my panic attacks. :-/

My brother becomes a Master Mason this septembre, and I am so fucking pissed off (remember, he converted to RC for his wife) that I may join, after graduation, Le Droit Humain. I am irritated because *I* was the jobie; he turned down DeMolay (despite the fact that my father and grandfather were central and honoured in founding more than one chapter), plus my father and so on back presented themselves as primarily masons because it seemed better to them than being Jewish (publicly). Remember, my parents had us way-late; there was prejudice decades ago. But anyway, I am irritated because my BRAT (брат, ha) brother cannot just up and go be RC when he's an atheist, and then turn around and not only join a Blue Lodge and go through two degrees without telling Meg or me, but then to have the utter gall to have discussed this all with my father, even arranging for my father (a 32.5-degree when he took time off from BL, SR, YR, and Grotto...33rd degree is honorary only and doesn't really exist, though my grandfather and other uncles and so on was/were one) to come up to witness/participate/whatever they do. I'm fucking livid. He is doing this just to have a bond-y thing with the rest of my family (Mummers' side had Masons as well, and she herself was a decades-inactive OES, former RG). So...it's hard to explain, but...he is trying to be all "traditional" (my family's style) now, and I will be damned if I am going to sit back and let him one-up me in a returning-to-family tradition sense, especially as some kind of fucked up birthday present. So: graduate; job; join LDH. I can accomplish all of this by years' end. LDH progression is slower than regular Masonry, but that's the only choice I have. Plus I like their style. Plus-plus, that will really piss my brother the fuck off, so it's just win-win-win all around.

And I'm going to make Meg join with me.

Anyway, I have to put in a few hours at work tomorrow to clear time on Wednesday for meetings, and then it's more writing. That is all I have been doing, and I am at the cabin-fever mad stage. I love what I do. I truly love what I do. But I need a break from it. And certain crazy people. I have my fingers crossed that this all works smoothly. To afford time to write, I have had to cut back working hours since the beginning of the year, and financially my life sucks so badly, you don't even want to know.

Ok...now to get a tich more sleep.





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Stupid stuff

http://m.examiner.com/atheism-in-national/atheism-101-atheists-can-be-spiritual-too

I keep trying to convince myself that I am special or interesting, or have any redeeming value whatsoever. I manage for a minute or two, then someone comes along and completely smooshes any special feelings I might have had.

This sucks.


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The end.

When all of this is over, I am going to find someplace to hide. I don't know where yet. Somewhere.


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Maybe I Will Win!

Maybe, someday
Saved by zero
I’ll be more together
Stretched by fewer
Thoughts that leave me
Chasing after
My dreams disown me
Loaded with danger

Maybe I’ll win
Saved by Zero

Holding onto
Words that teach me
I will conquer
Space around me

Maybe I’ll win
Saved by zero

Maybe I’ll win
Saved by zero


yeah. that about sums it up right now. it actually isn't possible to fall off the floor.




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Uh-oh

Ok; I'm now scared. I have run out of time to fix the messes that aren't mine, and I have to move. Stat.

This couldn't happen at a worse time. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk with about this because it is all so involved that no-one would understand. But I am now terrified.


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Whine

I just finished working for the night (I didn't even get my hour of reading in because Karen phoned needing help with her study, and she's always been there for me, so...).

I am tired, and scared of an upcoming deadline. I have worked so hard...I'm just nervous. And crampy. Those 'danger is near', Buffy the Vampire Slayer cramps. :-<

And I have to go to work in an hour. So much for sleep. At least I sent two emails off asking for help. Augh.


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Hiding and Healing

I have been busy. And crying a lot. And stressed out. And nobody cares. Well, it feels like nobody cares. I am taking an hour here and there as a break when I need to stop sobbing uncontrollably and just read something mindless. I have just started My Heart May Be Broken, But My Hair Still Looks Great, or whatever the name is, cos I bought it as an ebook for way dirt cheap, and these days all my budget can afford is Way Dirt Cheap.

Butsoanyway.

I just got to the part where Paige tries to give what's his name her last $100 because she thinks she may have stomped his foot out of wages for a few days, and I had a revelation. Paige and I are a lot alike, except that I'm not pretty and have finished college, but...I just had a smidgen of insight as to why some people hate me. Or act like they do.

Just a thought. For me, at least. And not that I know how to tell them I have good intentions. But...it's something to think about, at least.




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:-O

Today I pulled off my Jedi Mind Trick Schtick.

By email.

It's too early to say for certain, but I may be a god. ;->


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Goodnight

I know that I promise more and then never deliver. I had to bump my Get Out Of Jail date to May.

I am concerned about a wide variety of things, from if my finances will hold out to the shiteous state of the entire fucking world. I am trying to focus on only what is local and immediate to me.

One of those things is Sweetie backing her ass up into my face. Just a sec...

Ok.

I do not have many, or any, friends left who like to play games with poetry and song lyrics, and in the past year, I have come to greatly miss that. When I was a teenager, a handful of us would pick a song or poem and investigate it until we had pummelled the life out of it. From there, we would reconstruct it in some cases, with modern or more common meanings. It actually was fun, and if I could ever think of a way to make a board game out of it, I'd probably make a mint.

Well, I heard a story on NPR which reminded me of some old lyrics, and because I am lonely, I emailed Meg to try to entice her...no luck. Oh, well.

Tomorrow I will be drowning in stats work and meeting my father for lunch.

Love you. Mean it.


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I have to get back to work... I'm late on finding this, but I've been following he story for years:

http://greenriverkillings.com/Blog/2011/01/06/disappearance-leah-roberts/

I have to figure out what I am teaching tomorrow. They have put me off my game with changing the days/times of classes. And I'm already experiencing panic about getting everything done.

There's discord at Eviljob because of something that happened a few years ago. Someone was injured/killed, and now the aggrieved party is suing. This alone wouldn't be so unusual, but coupled with the fact that ol' Zaphod thrust himself into the situation (why? Because it involved a cute lady), I'm in for another round of hearing all about how lacking I am. Even though Z and I are just friends at this point.

I had to change cell phones (company, number), and I'll get into why later. For now, let it suffice to say I will be happy to be leaving when I graduate. On top of that, the crazy lady Zaphod started trying to hook up with ended up with after we parted decided to try to fake a friendship with me and be all crazy-assed. I was worried about her harming my feral colony after she was fired/quit, but at least now, with the lawsuit, I have less to worry about with respect to damage from non-employees on company property.

Ok... More later. I'm getting better about blogging. Promise.

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Give me your shoulder, I need a place to wait for morning

I managed to get this mobile blogging thing going. I sometimes hate technology.

Everything is ok. I have a lot of work to do. Somehow this will all be ok, though. I will pull through.

We cleaned out one of Mom's storage spaces, and it was terrible, getting rid of so much. I feel like a louse for getting rid of her favourite set of golf clubs that she never used. They were from the early fifties, and she was find of them, but I have nowhere to put them.

God, I have nowhere to put most of this stuff.



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