So much for friends.

I made the huge mistake of telling someone I thought was a friend what had happened, and I cannot believe it, but she has started treating me as if I have leprosy.

What. The. Fuck.

This just emphasises how correct adversarial philosophies are with respect to 'sharing'. Don't fucking do it. Ever. Even when you are bitterly alone and at your lowest, because the knowledge of how weak and incomplete your fellow man is will leave you nauseous. Some people really are filled with falsity and hate. It is revolting. It is better to not know. Just trust me.

These are the same people who can look at an infant starving to death in Biafra, think 'they should pray more', click off the television, and drive in their luxury sedan to their resplendent church to enjoy their potluck dinner, and not have a moment's thought about whether the baby they saw is even still alive. Great Jell-O mould. Yep.

I am not religious. I am not even philosophically-inclined. I really have no agenda, no...purpose. I really don't believe there is anything but this life, and if there is, it's too fucking complicated for us to even begin to understand, so we should all, to live a happy life, just keep our heads down, do our own work, and not worry about what somebody else is doing.

And I cannot believe that I was stupid enough, pathetic enough, to expect anyone in my life to offer any sympathy, empathy, or commiserate in any form. Boy, have I learnt.

So if I vent, you are here because you want to be. If you don't want to hear it, leave.

And it hurts that I have lost someone whom I considered to be a friend (how wrong I was!). I am already dealing with enough issues in my head with respect to feeling like damaged goods, broken, filthy, and I am scared and more angry with myself and regretful than I can describe. Whatever. I may or may not go into it here. My *point* is that the LAST thing I need is some holier-than-thou bitch, some former fake friend, judging me as if I am all these horrible things and she is so much better. How nothing like this could *ever* happen to her, because she is so perfect.

That's great. I am vacillating between not giving a damn and being deeply wounded. I don't think that I am capable of feeling hate any longer.

I just wish that she would have the dignity to not try to pry any more details out of me. I came to work today to try to finish some crap up before I go on leave, and she turns out to be here too...and immediately starts quizzing me about my medical concerns, my upcoming leave, and so on. I just turned and walked away; I am *done*.

I may be temporarily down, but I am nobody's freak show. Bitch.






- Posted using Speak-n-Blog from my Fisher-Price Chatter Pull Telephone