Out of the Loop

I've been completely walled-in at Eviljob all day, once again. I was going to watch more news, but I can't deal anymore. And I've just blown the last of my mad money on Son-Friend's rent for September. Technically, mad is anything that isn't a bill, savings, or Squoosh chow, and this really fucking sucks. How can you go an entire month and not have your damn rent?

Ok, well, I know how...but I'm so over it that I could just scream. I could have flown to Vietnam and back almost six times on what I've given him so far this year. Well, assuming mid-range fares, but that's not the point. And I only know how much it costs to fly to Vietnam because Te-Te (I have no clue as to how to spell or pronounce her full name; similarly, I'm sure I'd present a challenge to her, also) where I go get pedicures is saving up to do it.

Yes, I tip her a lot. I've got guilt that way.

I've also got guilt because it sounds like I want people to die. I don't want anyone to die. Really. Especially not my brother.

And, rest assured, the very fact that I want something ensures the exact opposite will occur. Things just work that way. And that's why I'm angry, and dread-filled, and...well, everything else.

And I just can't deal with more news at this point, and I haven't been able to handle talking to my brother in months, and...I'm just upset. As if it mattered at all what I feel. I mean, I'm aware that in the grand scheme of things, how *I* feel has the least value of all.

My brother became angry with me when I was away; he called me finally, because I hadn't called him in over a month. He thought I was at home, and was upset that I hadn't told him what I was doing. At that point in time, I was in the middle of the Grand Casino; he asked where I was (he could hear the background noise), and I told him I was on a business trip. He mentioned that I hadn't said I was leaving, and I just got angry. I told him that I don't have to check in with him. He said he would call back later, when I was normal, or some other snide remark (his hint that he's about to hang up on me...he always hangs up on me), and I told him to not bother, since he's obviously too busy. He hung up, and two minutes later I felt guilty, with that "winning the battle but losing the war" guilt. Then he rings back maybe fifteen to thirty minutes later, and I was going to try to apologise to him, but it was my nephew (well, one of my nephews--I have two. He is six, and didn't call me; my brother was either trying to be funny, or who knows. Piss me off more, maybe, but I love my nephew. Even though you can barely understand a word he says on the phone). I talked to my nephew, waiting for my brother to get on the line, but he didn't. I even asked my nephew if Daddy was there, and he said "uh-huh". But Daddy never came on the line. After a while of talking to my nephew, I heard my brother tell him to tell me goodbye, and he did. Then my brother hung up on me...again.

And I have refused to talk to him since. Sort of. When I was at my mother's house, the phone rang; she told me to get it, and it was him. He just asked for her, and I told him to hold on. I figure that if he wanted to talk to me, he had a chance right there. He might have thought I was Meg, for all I know; we sometimes sound alike for a few minutes. He didn’t ask, which I take to mean that he didn’t care. He hasn't called me. That's my whole point. He's busy, and I usually call him (and I usually manage—unintentionally—to ring him when he's extremely busy), but if he wanted to talk to me, he could call me. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to me.

And all of this doesn’t mean that I love him any less. He’s a hard person to love. And maybe I am, too. I don’t know. But I’m angry at him. He does everything he does not even caring how it will make someone feel.

I don’t know; I’m not really angry, but anger is the closest way to describe it, and no matter what I do, it is going to be the wrong thing. If I do leave to go over and spend a weekend with him, he’ll just pick one fight after another with me. I just know it. He’s never nice to me until he thinks he’s won, or something, until he has me so upset that I’m sobbing or raging. Well, I won’t use absolutes…I don’t mean *never*, just a lot of the time. And if I don’t go over there, he might have been planning to be nice, or something. I don’t know. I just don’t. And I’m really bogging down in details, and I need to look at the bigger picture, and I’m being boring, and I’m saying things I’ll regret, and whatever else. And it’s taken me this long to say anything about it, for exactly all of those reasons. I know these things. I just screw them all up always anyway.

And Romeo just crawled up in my lap for a rare cuddle session, so I’m ending this. It’s pointless to mull over, since whatever I do in this situation will be wrong.