Miffed Me.

After all of that work, I get not even a "screw you, your shit sucked". No thank you, no email about how the meeting went...nothing.

I don't *need* pats on the head, I tell myself. 'Cos I don't.

It just rips my widget all the same. I *do* sometimes like to hear that I did a good job, and this time, I really think I did.

I know I'm whining, but it's not like I'm ever going to say anything to anyone about it in reality. I wish I understood why, of all people, I never get the proverbial pat on the head. I mean, even when I tell my mom I love her, I get a "ummm-hmmm," if I get any reaction at all. Which is nothing compared to the dejection and sadness I always felt when I would tell one guy that I loved him and get damn near the same reaction. Or, better, when he would respond with "I know you do". Why? Because he said that telling people that he loves them makes him uncomfortable. Maybe it makes my mom uncomfortable, too. I just always grew up with it, so it was never different...you know? But you'd expect better behaviour from a boyfriend. And from a manager. And from...geez...everyone in your life.

I put a lot of work into that paper. And I know I sound resentful. I'll be over it tomorrow. But sometimes you have to give *some* praise, otherwise people aren't motivated. I know this for a fact because they say so in those jackass corporate management seminars I have to attend every so often at Eviljob. The only place, it seems, that I do get any praise. Not only do I get praise there, I get money and other stuff for excelling at different goals. That's probably one of the reasons I stay there; because they praise me, and I'm pathetic enough to need it. Even though I don't like it when a great big deal is made. That's embarrassing. But I have saved commendations, all of my awards, and even 'thank you' emails. That's how stupid and pathetic I am. And why Eviljob has definite perqs over Stupidjob. This list thingy with explanations I wrote up was for Stupidjob, my sort-of second job.

I need praise. It even says so in that dumbass book, If You Touch My Cheese Again, I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass Into Next Week. Or maybe it was in Goddamn! This Place Smells Like Fish! or maybe it was in Annoying Habits of Underachievers Who Read Books Like This One. Whichever. :-) They're all might-as-well-be-required reading at Eviljob, and they all meld into one after a while. The short of it is, praise people. Christ...even moms teach people to say, "thank you"!

Yes, I'm angry. I feel resentful...even betrayed a little. I really went above and beyond. No one else in our group even *thought* about volunteering; when the subject came up, they all did the "la, la, la...gee, my nails are dirty and needing a good picking at! Golly, I wonder how my feet are doing under the table all alone..." thing.

This makes me angry. :-\ And consternated. It probably is too a word. I mean, *I* think I did a good job. I think I did a really freaking good job. If I didn't, somebody needs to tell me, so I can re-do it, or do it differently next time! When I sent my stuff, I even *asked* for feedback, so that I could re-do it and get it to my Stupidjob manager. Did I get anything? No! When we meet on Friday, or tomorrow when I see Ms Manager, she'll probably say something, but hey...too late. If I'm not important enough to tell beforehand, or even after the Big Horrid Meeting She's Dreading Because She Needs What I Have, then forget it. Grr.

This is *not* the way I would run things. When I am in charge of people, I praise them. Or give *some* kind of feedback.

I know, deep in my heart, that I am venting because I am stupid and pathetic. I know, deep in my heart, that No Word means that either it was ok, or it really sucked. I can't fix either of those now; Horridmeeting is over. There's no use in beating myself up over it. But it just makes me feel very alone, and...like...no one cares. That's all.

Dumb as dogshit. Yeah, that's me.