Magnificent Octopus Debacle

Ok. Magnificent Octopus almost done, but I have almost a month for the *real* deadline, so I'm good there. However, I have to present Magnificent Octopus tomorrow. The presentation is what decides whether I "pass" or "fail". I'm doing my Power Point slides as we speak.

I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, and I'm scared. I mean really. And I know I'm a perfectionist, and that nothing is ever going to be as good as I want it to be, but I'm still scared.

I'm also scared not that I will totally screw this up, but that certain people from my school-job thing like that "Sophie" (not her real name). It's open to the public, so I can't stop her from coming, but... I just don't want her to.

Sophie's the type of person around whom you NEVER want to present ANYTHING that isn't all about how great she is. You can just *tell* that she is making mental notes about how you just contradicted yourself, you mispronounced something, you just used the wrong word, etc., along with how you should have looked better, blah, blah, blah. And the crappy part is, most of the time, she's just talking out of her butt to have something to say to look intelligent. And she will try to argue with you when you try to defend yourself, painting you into a corner where you either just give up and politely say "ok, point taken", or you start raving like a mad bitch--either way *you* look bad.
So I'm scared she's going to come. And Miss Nastypants.

Or maybe I'm just looking for something to worry about. I'm just scared, that's all.

My sister told me last night that I don't have to take questions from anyone other than my committee during my presentation. At least that's good. So I have to find a way to politely tell Sophie to put a sock in it until the end. Deep in my heart, I think she'll be there; it would be so exactly like her, and she seems to have a problem with me anyway, so I'm sure she wouldn't give up the opportunity to restock "Ancodia Sucks And Is So Stupid Because..." ammo. I mean, she already talks about me behind my back, already tries to make me look bad; she points out in meetings all of the stuff that I don't do, or said I'd do and didn't (or changed, etc...); what she's too stupid to realise is that all of that is between me and my manager, and my manager already knows. So her dumb crap fails for all of the people it needs to (me and my manager), but other people in my lab group walk away with opinions that I don't know. They may think I am a total retard, like she tries to make me appear to be.

I don't care what other people think of me. As long as I'm ok with my employer, my instructors, and myself (and my Significant Other when I have one), I don't give a damn what The Man (or Sophie) On The Street thinks. Only the important people count. And I keep telling myself that, and living my life that way, but emotionally, this stuff still is hurtful. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't.

Yeah, I'm the dip who actually obeyed when her elementary school teachers told her, "just do your own work, and don't worry about what Sophie thinks". And I don't understand why the Sophies of the world always pick me as their target. Because I don't give them the reaction they want? Maybe.

Regardless... I'm still nervous that she might take the opportunity to show up (or Miss Nastypants, or someone else who is just going to be hateful).

I'm just scared.

And I haven't even touched on how I'm getting no help from my advisor. No prep run-through, no pep talk, no nothing. She hasn't even read Magnificent Octopus yet. This isn't normal, I'm told. So I'm scared there, too. She says it's because she knows I've done a really good job, and I don't need her as much as others, & so forth, but... How much I need her isn't totally all of the point; how scared I am is part of the point, too. I have to do another Magnificent Octopus in about three years, and I'll be damned if I'm using the same person; I'll rot in hell first. I need more help. I don't know all of this. Everyone seems to think that I do. Or, my advisor does, at least. When she told me yesterday that she still hadn't read it, I just said "ok" like the stupid moron I am. But, really...what else could I say?

Ok; I have to get back to work and stop thinking this way or I will start crying.

Grr.

After this is over tomorrow, I am going to do something very, very nice for myself. I'm not sure what yet. But something.

In the words of Vince VanPatten: What a debacle!