The Death of the Octopus

Things are not going well. My presentation went ok. I thought it went well, in fact. Until I got home and received a "list of demands" from my advisor of things that must be changed, immediately, or she won't sign off on it. Well, the way this works is that now is not the time to do that. The time for that was then. Way back THEN, when she couldn't be bothered to meet with me at all. I am so very angry. And so many of the changes are bullshit additions that were just cooked up in a few hours--saying something just to have something to say kind of stuff. And the worst part of it is that she deliberately phrased a lot of it to make it sound like she was "on top of everything" at the expense of making me look like a moron. So...I guess my lesson learnt from this is that nothing I have done or will ever do counts, and she's capable of saving her own butt without me, even if it means jettisoning me.

She would never meet with me, didn't even have time to let me do a run-through (over a period of WEEKS here), and that is like, a cardinal sin for advisors. But I let that go. Then she pulls this, just to look impressive in front of another one of my panel members. I'm changing the terminology a bit, but it's just self-preserving obfuscatory changes. So it's another panel member who was reviewing the presentation I gave based on my Magnificent Octopus. Get it?

Ok, good.

So another one of my panel members is...let's just say of interest to her for reasons that are too political for me to go into. It has something with wanting a specific type of job (her, not me) and seeing this person as a potential entree. So she wants to look good. And I guess she thinks that "looking good" means taking credit for something she hasn't done (a part of Magnificent Octopus), torpedoing other parts of Magnificent Octopus, and then imposing this hideous deadline that makes me want to just run out and plath the bejezus out of myself. The deadline is a joke, because the Ultimate deadline is just a few days after...so as big a fiasco as this has become, why in the hell not give me the additional days? I mean, this is the same Magnificent Octopus she couldn't be bothered to read, period. I went to her so many times to get her opinion, I've worn grooves in the rug. Always, "Oh...didn't have time yet. I'm sure it's great!"; "Ancodia, you're just worrying...it's wonderful, I'm sure!" And when I give her the Done Deal Magnificent Octopus, she'll just not read it, either. I KNOW it.

God damn it.

I am so upset that I could cry. This whole group surrounding her is the sickest, dumbest, laziest, most dysfunctional pack of retards I've ever had the displeasure to encounter. I am so enraged that I could just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But this is why so many of them are so horrible--because she has the propensity to do something as horrible as this to one of "her own". This is like having your own child in elementary school have to write a big essay to get into Gifted, or something like that. And you, as a parent, not only don't help like the rules say you should--I DIDN'T say "write it FOR them"; I said HELP--but you don't proofread it even though the rules say you have to proofread it, don't let them use the computer to type it, make them handwrite it, the whole nine yards. And then you show up at the school, sit in the cafeteria, listen to YOUR OWN KID present this essay that they've damn near killed themselves over, and then when they're done, you refuse to clap, and send an email to all of the teachers in the school pointing out all of the stupid mistakes your kid made, even if you have to make most of them up and make up studies that don't exist to argue your point of Reasons Why Your Kid Is a Stupidass Loser. Ohhhh...that makes you look like SUCH a bright parent, huh? You're just a Crown Jewel of Parenting, and a genius besides, aren't you? Wow...dazzled by your brilliance, truly.

On the upside, one other of my panel members wrote one of the most wonderful emails I've ever read about how much they enjoyed it, and how good a job they thought I did, and asked for my slides so they could show it to someone else they work with. I'm saving that until like, ever. Stashed away in my trousseau. Yep. You betcha.

I mean it. I'll ask to be buried with it. That person is very intelligent, and not given to effusion or gushing in the least. Not that they gushed, but...well...they gushed for *them*. And the fact that I pulled this off all myself to boot... Well, it was like a highpoint of my life.

I feel so betrayed. Why me? Why? Probably because she saw the opportunity to look good, and figured I'm cool to be shat upon because I'll just take it. Why can't she go do this to Sophie, or Miss Nastypants, or Fluffernut McWhinymuffin? Well, because they aren't doing what I'm doing just yet. When they do, I hope to god that she does it to them. I hope this bites her in the ass so bad...

I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm just going to cry, make the changes, and wish I had someone to talk to about it, or at least to hold me and let me VENT. Just putting their heads down and working is what Ancodias do best, after all.

See? She's right; I *will* just take it.

But I'm going to find a new advis...errr...impresario. I've been forgetting to obfuscate. Butsoanyway. My next Magnificent Octopus will not be abused in this manner. And my *next* Magnificent Octopus is the most important Octopus; this current Octopus is a minor Octopus, in the grand scheme of things, but it wan an important Octopus to ME, because it was my first Octopus, ever. And if I had a little help and direction, this next Magnificent Octopus might be a very *good* Octopus. I have about two years (less, really, but that's a minor point based on my own personal preference for being overprepared) to start my next Magnificent Octopus. That gives me about a year to find another person. I can do that. I don't have to put up with this shit.

How dare she use my Magnificent Octopus to further her own butt? Especially when it was 100% my OWN Octopus. Unlike other...ummm...Divas with THEIR impresarios, MY Octopus was all my own work! I had no help, because she IS no help! I thought up the Octopus, planned it out, executed it, and wrote it all up.

I just wanted so badly to email her back and ask her how she could do this to me. I really, really did. How? I just don't get it. Why? She'd be taking a safer bet to be on my side, helping me out through the whole thing. I'm not stupid, and I'm a hard worker; I WILL survive, and hopefully well. She'd be better off not burning my bridge. Why would she do this? I mean this...all of this--the not helping, the torpedoing me--won't do anything but throw a temporary monkey wrench into what I'm doing. Why not plot some huge coup out and do THAT? Something that works, that's permanent, that is a benefit? If you don't want to just do your job and be supportive, that is. Does she really have to have the damn spotlight THAT badly? Can't she see that this doesn't make her look brilliant, that this just makes her look like a saboteur? She's had abundant time and opportunity to raise all of this with me at the appropriate time--everyone knows that (I hope). Even if they don't know about how hard it is to get a meeting or commitment with her, they HAVE to know that it's her responsibility to have done all of this ages ago. I mean, if this were a year ago, then ok--I'll look into all of these fine points (yeah, right) you raise. Not NOW, just a few weeks before....

I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

I need to get back to work.