SFDPH

I'm prepping for travel in a few weeks.

I have a migraine. A really evil, raging one that could beat the stuffing out of an Excedrin headache. My fucking *eyes* are ringing. Not my ears, my *eyes*. Augh.

I don't want to go. I love travelling, but for *fun*. Not for work. I don't like keeping others' schedules. I'm not that anal. I don't like other entities' travel rules. They make no sense. And I don't want someone else to arrange it all for me, 'cos they'll fuck it up like they always have when I've let them in the past. And I don't want to leave Squoosh, so I'll have to board him--he's too young to leave loose for almost two weeks, especially when the other cats hate him still. And I'm nervous about travelling, and I'm nervous about Meg joining me for part of it and travelling alone, and geez...everything. And this is kind of a two-part travel thing, and I'm also worried that the second part might not go well.

And I have a migraine.

I *want* a vacation. I want to go take two weeks and go drive somewhere. At this point, I don't even care where. I want to run away. I hate this shit. And when I get back, Squoosh isn't even going to remember me. Romeo will be glad for the break--and as long as Weebie gets fed, she couldn't care less whether I'm here or not. But after almost two weeks, Squoosh is not going to know who I am. And what if I die? Who'll take care of Squooshable? And Rome and Weebie, but...I'm more worried about Squooshable in that respect.

Well, I guess Meg would take care of them. But it's not the same.

And I would be excited, really. One part of the trip thing is actually kind of an honour in the sense that it's flattering that they think I'm competent and all that, and everything. And it could be fun. But there's so much to worry about. What if Squoosh catches kennel cough? What if my house burns down? What if I say something stupid, or something...

I totally want to do this, but I don't want to do this. One good thing is that I'll get to sightsee some, and one of the places I will go is somewhere I have wanted to see for practically ever. I mean, as a child I actually got in trouble for stealing a magazine that had a picture of the place. I know...stealing is wrong. But I was a child, I wanted it, and I had no money of my own, and if I were to have asked that it be bought for me, I didn't think my answer would be good enough. But that's beside the point--there are good facets to this trip, but... I wish everything could be easier. That's all. Just easier. I think. I think that's it.

I have to give Romeo his antibiotics (from his tooth cleaning) and go to sleep. This is all just too much. I need to win the lottery and quit my jobs, just write stuff and teach in my spare time, and travel at my convenience. For pleasure.

Sigh.