The Fundamental Theorem of Poker

I am (again) swamped. Yay. I have both jobs coming at me from different directions wanting something. Fortunately (or not, I guess) it’s all written stuff. Bleah. I am not getting enough sleep, and when I *do* sleep, the dreams (that I remember) are all weird.

Meg came over last night (she left again today) to make me watch the WPT game at the Reno Hilton from when we were there in March; I shouldn’t have taken a break, but I did. So shoot me.

The game was cool enough, but the most awesome part was getting to see one of my favourite dealers, Josh. Josh got to deal the first part and the last part of the final table! Josh was a total trip—funny as hell—most days there he was in rotation behind Larry (who is a major sweetie, also), and he would tap Larry out in the funniest way!

I guess, actually, he would zap Larry out! :-)

The Hilton—because of the weather—was a breeding ground for static electricity. I already wrote about how freaking dry I was throughout my stay, but I may have forgotten to mention my many brushes with electrocution. :-) Well, the first time I met Josh, Larry was dealing to us and Josh walked up behind Larry (where we all could see) and did this exaggerated moonwalking kind of shuffle for a second, and then touched Larry with his index finger to the back of Larry’s neck and made a ‘pop!’ noise.

Larry rolled his eyes and continued with the hand we were in, not even glancing at Josh.

Josh did it again.

We—those of us at the table with a sense of humour—were in hysterics. ‘Don’t encourage him,’ Larry said.

Josh did it again. And again. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle…pop!

‘Man, would you quit?!?’ Larry said.

Josh smiled at us. ‘I just wanted to let you know I’m here!’

‘I know you’re here; I saw you walk up!’

‘Well… I just wanted to make sure that you knew.’

Too funny! And this went on all week, to the point where Larry probably lost the will to live. :-) I hope Josh (as well as the rest of the dealers) took a huge tip—he deserves it for being so entertaining. And he’s a good player, too. :-) I played at a table with him once, and watched him as I waited for a table a bunch of other times—he really is pretty good, way-better than the one dealer who did make the final table, Mr I’m Going To Go All In On Ace-Five Unsuited Cos I’m Steaming (wasn’t it As 5c?) And Whine When I Lose. Don’t you give my Josh any shit, boy; he didn’t make you play that way, he just handed you the cards.

And with that in mind, let’s revisit the Fundamental Theorem of Poker. No, not Sklansky’s, *mine*:
Let f be a continuous real-valued skilled poker player defined on a full poker table [chips, chair]. Let F be the function defined for x in [chips, chair] by

,

where x = Travel Channel Player Interference of Game

then

for every x in [chips, chair].

Let f be a continuous real-valued skilled poker player defined on a full poker table [chips, chair]. Let F be a function such that

for all x in [chips, chair]

then

.

Which clearly demonstrates that the imbecile will suck out his flush on the river. QED.

Glad to have helped.

For my next feat, I will make use of the Riemann Integral to demonstrate that for every straight one makes on the flop, a Travel Channel Player will suck out quads. Oh, yes. They will.

.