I had started a post, but it got way too long, so I will have to post
it later. Basically, we are all meeting, only Mummers did not want to
ride because she said that riding with Meg makes her nervous.
It just makes me bored.
I am working on what all I will be resolving for 2009, and debating
whether I want to even address the possibility of putting my family
name back into use (this is an explanation contained in the larger
post I just surrendered to Draftland). Generally, I am largely
satisfied. One thing I can offer to give up are these damned Belgian
chocolate-dipped cookies with which mom has sent us off. Bwaah.
This is distressing -- I am not READY for the Holiday Season to be
over. I know that I hav declared that it continues until 13 February,
but the sad fact is that no one ever joins me in continuing to
celebrate. In between my upheavals at work, losing my lovely
Siameasle, Mummers' health issues, and finally getting my head screwed
on straight with respect to my program issues, frankly, 2008 has
sucked ass. I want my money back.
Every year, I mumble something about how I should make a list of the
best Christmas movies of all time. Well, here is my first attempt at a
Top Twelve Best Christmas Movies:
12. Silent Night, Deadly Night and Black Christmas. No Christmas
viewing would be complete without them...watch them both. At the same
time. Punish!! w00t!
11. Last Action Hero. I am really pretty sure this takes place at
Christmas because Shane Black wrote it before he lost his damn mind.
If not, pretend that it does; it is a wonderful movie!
10. Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus. What a fucking creepfest! Ho, ho,
ho! Steve Guttenberg acts so frickin creepy in this that it is amazing
he hasn't been put up on any state-maintained sex offender sites just
ON PRINCIPLE. He manages to be even creepier than Gus in the Psych
episode where they're checking out nannies at the playground, and Dule
Hill was TRYING to act creepy. Out-creeped by Guttenberg! Man...creepy
crown DENIED!! You will agree, too; bring a festive blanky with you to
hide under during those 'omfg, I am so embarrassed for you' moments
that seem to work their way into most Lifetime movies.
9. Meet the Santas. Shouldn't that be 'Meet the Clauses'? Maybe the
Mr and Mrs couldn't agree on who gets to be the predicate. Anyhoo, I
am including this one because I just know you are on the edge of your
seat in suspense over the disposition of number ten. So watch it, and
you'll know.
8. Fred Claus. Because I would go down on Vince Vaughn in a New York
minute. And What's His Name, too -- you know -- the gay one who is a
really good actor? I don't know why I think Vaughn is so cute, but I
cannot help it -- I do. And I am using Fred Claus instead of Four
Christmases because, frankly, FC sucked. Not because it was not funny
-- it was hilarious in places -- but because it seemed like halfway
through the film everyone just got tired of making it, so they ended
it. So we're going with Fred Claus. Oh, and also 'cos Pig Vomit is
Santa, and that is awesome. I cannot remember his name, but Pig Vomit
rocks.
7. Die Hard. Yippee kai-yay, motherfucker. Need I say more? Well, I'm
gonna. Bloodshed, loud ka-booms, and debating which New York minute
would be faster, given a choice between Vaughn and Rickman; that's
what xmas is all about. And bonus points for including Run-D.M.C.'s
Christmas in Hollis, one of the best holiday songs ever (list to
come). Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho. Best line in the history of
cinema...EVVAH.
6. Die Hard 2. The best Die Hard by far, with the exception of there
being no Alan Rickman, or any real hottie that I can recall, in it.
And there is the guy who could not act to save his life...oh, wait --
that's what makes this film great. And the Terminator guy. and John
Leguziamo. And snow. And icicle-fu. Makes me want to celebrate the
birth of jesus by jumping on a snowmobile and capping terrorists with
a machine gun, and that's a good, American, Christmassy-kind of
feeling. Yippee kai-yay, motherfucker!
We're here, and I am going to check in and have a hot bath...bbiaf,
not that you'd notice...
k, back; now on with our countdown:
5. True Lies. Yes, it is set at Christmas. And not only is it
chock-full of amazingly-quotable lines, but it is about family values.
And killing terrorists. And nuclear war heads. And breaking people's
necks with your bare hands, and throwing scalpels into their eyeballs.
Oh -- and limo-fu; god only knows there is not enough chick-on-chick
limo-fu in this world, though I *personally* would have been happier
if it had been, say, Joan Jett and Anna Nicole Smith -- now *that*
would have been a merry fucking Christmas. Makes me want to punch out
a used car salesman...hell, yeah!
4. The Long Kiss Goodnight. We are closing in on the essence of the
holiday spirit here with this Shane 'I Just Need Four Million More To
Pay My House Off' Black gem, clearly one of the corniest movies of all
time. This is a movie about finding oneself, being true to who you are
(even if it does involve bleaching one's hair and blowing things up),
and choosing family -- and a briefcase full of money -- over killing
people just because your government wants you to, and isn't that nice?
We all need to learn that lesson -- that we shouldn't want to kill
Craig Bierko because the government wants us to, we should kill Craig
Bierko because *WE* want to. Plus, the little daughter, Cathead (I
have sworn that, if I ever have a daugter, I will name my daughter
Cathead in honour of this film), looks so cute in her little
tinsel-haloed costume. This film also has some of the best lines EVER!
This is one of the hokiest films out there...I cannot fathom how NO
ONE mentions how farkakteh hokey this film is. Plus, after you watch
it, you can see tons of other movies and play Spot Daedalus, like I
do. It's good to have a dart gun by the sofa whilst playing Spot
Daedalus -- my cats love that part. So...you *will* watch The Long
Kiss Goodnight, princess, and you will watch it through to the end! Am
I understood? Bwahaha...chefs do that! Hee...deflowering virgins!
omfg...this is one of the greatest films ever. It just has SO MUCH to
offer!
3. Last Holiday. Okay, like, first off, *I* want to go to Kalovy Vary
-- the place is GORGEOUS. Like even-more-beautiful-than-Tahoe
Gorgeous! So right there, we have the fantastic Christmassy scenery.
Plus, Queen Latifah is perfect for this role. Plus Dr Gupta reminds me
of a guy I don't currently work with but have in the past and will
again; if I have mentioned him here, I probably named him Pancakes.
It's hard to not want to kill Pancakes. But back to Last Holiday: This
is almost THE perfect Christmas movie -- it even has food, food, food!
And it has a good moral, a happy ending, and...the only reason this
film is not number one is that it was beaten out by a smidgeon. Or
smidgeons.
2. It's a Wonderful Life. No serious list of Christmas movies could
leave off It's a Wonderful Life; true, no one gets killed and nothing
gets blown up, but we can overlook that. I will never forget the one
holiday season that I was working at an answering service (overnights
because I was the evening supervisor and our night girl quit) and I
held a contest with myself to see how many times I could watch it
because it seemed like it was on every damned station. Funny thing
was, it did not occur to me to *count* because, well, it was JUST ME.
This makes perfect sense to me. So even though I can quote dialogue
like that one creepy scene in I Am Legend, I cannot tell you how many
times I have seen it. Most of you have no idea how boring it gets at
an answering service. Probably about as boring as it's gonna get when
we're hiding out after we get overrun by vampires or zombies.
Seriously.
And now...::drum roll::...the one, the only, the celluloid embodiment
of all that is Christmas -- the good, the bad, and the ugly, it's...
...I am dying to know *your* guess..
1. Jingle All The Way. There is nothing I could possibly say that
could explain how much I love this movie. Sure, it could have been
better, but it is HILARIOUS. It has everything the holiday season
could possibly contain -- love, greed, superheroes, and psychotic
postal service workers. Oh, and mall shots. And cookies ('Mmmmmm!
These COOKIES!'). And a not-dead Phil Hartman getting eggnog-fu'd. And
Balthazar. Balthazar!
Wow...I cannot believe it took me this long to make a list...or how
tired I am. I am going to sleep for a few hours and then go play.
1 comment:
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