CV implants: The Industry of Tomorrow

I am depressed, and I want to be put to sleep.

…anyone remember that one segment of Phil Hendrie?

Okay, maybe I imagined it.

Butsoanyway.

I am completely bummed-out, having spent the past few hours revamping my CV-thingy at my New Employer’s behest.

Fack. All these years, all those lines, and I feel like I have accomplished NOTHING.

And it doesn’t help that, after ignoring the god-damned thing for two years, I finally *had* to update it, so I asked for a copy of a university professor’s I am friends with to use as a guide along with another co-worker’s, and the others I found online. I mainly wanted hers to model, ‘cos she is involved in really similar endeavours. And what a guide it is. Sheesh.

Yes, that’s right; I’m whining ‘cos I’ve been standing in the intellectual locker room all day, and…HERS IS BIGGER THAN MINE!!!

No, really; hers is impressive; it’s at least…ummm, let’s see; a normal piece of paper is 11” long, so that would make hers…

Gee-yahd…

FORTY-FOUR INCHES LONGER. And actually, a little bit more, ‘cos she’s dangling out onto an additional page. Christ; put a cup on that, won’t you?

Yes, it’s true: I have CV-envy.

Although they say it’s not the length that matters, we all know differently, right? I mean, it isn’t the width—we’re both hanging in there at 8.5”—and sure, it’s all about what you put into it, but still…

How will I ever please an employer?!? How can I possibly whip my teensy little CV out and brandish it proudly at that one crucial moment? I have, in the words of Harry Crumb, one pathetic little fallacy here. Gah! I need another forty-four inches, and stat.

I’m going to check my spam folder…

AHA! Here! An ad for a diploma mill! Guaranteed to increase the size of your CV by ELEVEN INCHES!

Oh, what crap is that? I need forty-four.

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