I've Found a New Hermeneutic.

Now really, what are the chances--two days in a row? I'm so glad that I'm a skeptic, and not inclined to see pattern where there is none. And no; I didn't think about my title yesterday. As I always do, I tried to think of something that summed it all up, Sparky.

Butsoanyway.

I have more The Powers That Be than you could shake a stick at. I have enough TPTB roaming around that I'm just wanting to grab a knife sometimes and freaking cut them. Bad. So bad that they'd say, "Oohh...she cut me bad!" Yeah. That bad.

I'm so glad that I'm not violent. Anymore.

Butsoanyway.

So for the RCMP stuff that I'm doing, I have to run it past a TPTB. This TPTB's job is to make sure that I'm not luring grade 4s to my Evil Lair by promising them crack cocaine and group sex, and then performing Evil Experimentations upon their personages. Especially were I to not then pony up the crack cocaine and group sex. In fact, sometimes I think that this particular TPTB's biggest problem with the aforementioned scenario would be if I were to fail to follow through on the crack cocaine and group sex, 'cos then I'd be luring them in under false pretenses. But whatever.

I've just spent the past five hours changing my What Ancodia's Doing submission in response to their looong-ass email detailing everything I do wrong. It's not just me; they do it to everyone. Their biggest complaint this time is that I don't correctly use the terms "anonymous" and "confidential".

Ummm...yes, I do. You can complain about a lot of things that I do, but I do correctly use those terms.

But trying to talk them out of something like this is like trying to get Squoosh to stop biting your foot when he's on fire. It's just not going to happen. With Squoosh, I move around on one foot whilst he tears around the other, all sharp claws and teeth, until he gets bored with that foot and leaps to the other like a little tailless black piranha. Then I switch feet. :-) With TPTB, I'm just re-writing to accommodate their concept of "anonymous" and "confidential". Some fights just aren't worth it.

I *want* to be a bitch. I *want* to go get a copy of any dictionary and present them with it. My *dream* response is that, if data are being reported in an aggregate form, then that implies anonymity to the individual; however, conversely, the fact that I might know them--or certainly do after I've seen their name to assign them their number--would imply that they are *not* "anonymous". Moreover, I am dying to reply, the fact that I'm then assigning any type of nominal identifier to them, in the strictest literal terms, *further* means that they are at no time *literally* "anonymous". And although one could say that their responses and participation are "confidential", they actually aren't and cannot be. If they are a student, their instructors know. And me. And whoever might be running it for me. And anyone who sees them come into the room. And everyone in my workgroup, should they look at my stuff, or even just ask me. Additionally, participating in my RCMP study means that they can't participate in another RCMP study. So *those* RCMP peeps know. And so on, and so on...

And I'd close by telling TPTB that they have given me a raging migraine, and I have decided to become a shepherd.

Or maybe we should just let Ancodia say "your responses will be anonymous, and your participation will be confidential". Assholes. This is an imperfect world. And so on.

But no...I'll do it their way. I've changed everything, 'cos god forbid I should misuse the terms. Hmmph.

And they have some Pythonesque fascination with locked filing cabinets. It reminds me of the self-defense skit with the pointed stick. Every other comment is enquiring as to whether I intend to place all of this into a locked filing cabinet! WTF?

No, but I have a god damned raspberry, so there.

How To Defend Your Data, by Ancodia

"Hello, there! I've come to make off with your data!"
"Ohellno!"
"Well, have you placed it in a...LOCKED FILING CABINET?"
"Bwaah! I *knew* I should have used one! Curses!"
"I'm just going to have at it, then..."
"Ho-ho! Never! For although I lack a locked filing cabinet, I am armed with a BANANA!"
"That thing's not loaded."
"It is too! And I know how to use it!"
"You're holding it backwards."
"It's my...idiom."
"I'm taking your data."
"Oh, come on...you won't like it."
"And I'll take this stack..."
"It's boring, really."
"And this one..."
"I'm PEELING THE BANANA!!"
"And I'd like any disks and printouts you have...SAS, SPSS; it doesn't matter to me--I'm pillaging!"
"No! You can't have them! We'll lose the farm!"
"Should've thought of a locked filing cabinet, then."
"You leave me with no alternative!"
"Oh, I'm scared."
"RELEASE SQUOOSHABLE!!"
"Arrrrrgggghhhhhh!!"

FIN


Butsoanyway.

So ok, fine. I assured them that I was going to get a locked filing cabinet and put everything in there. I didn't think they'd be receptive to Squooshable guarding it all. Though he'd do a better job.

Bwaah!

To anticipate their next desired revisions, I wanted to assure them that I was most certainly going to keep the data in a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory that has a sign on the door that says "BEWARE OF THE LEOPARD". And, as god may or mayn't be my witness, if they *do* return it to me again and ask where the filing cabinet is going to be kept, that *will* be my reply. Choke on it. Pffft. I've served ten thousand years at Eviljob...TPTB is no match for *my* bureaucracy. I can do it "their" way for only so long.

Now I just wish I knew why they let the one last term just go with only teensy, minor revisions. What'd I do to become interesting?