What is your major malfunction?

You know, there's a lot going on in the world. I mean really a lot. Especially my world; I've just found out that I'm going to be a lot more busy; business is booming, so to speak. This is actually good news--it means I may continue feeding Romeo and Squoosh in the manner to which they have become accustomed. :-) Weebie I'm not worried about; she'd steal my food. If she had thumbs, she'd give me a shiv and go straight for the chicken; I'm not naive.

You'd think that with all there is going on in the world, or even in this country, we wouldn't be at a loss for things to fret over. Obviously, I'm wrong. I'm not talking about Souter's home potentially being turned into a hotel--the Lost Liberty Inn, I believe--because that's just funny. I need humour in my life, and I'll take it where I can get it, especially when this country seems to be going to hell with itself. Might as well laugh, I figure.

But why are we wasting pixels on Oprah Winfrey's alleged snub at Hermes? Who in the hell cares? But as soon as I sign on, here it is--hot off the AP wire. Hermes is racist. Yep. Racist. They are racist because--and I'm condensing the article somewhat whilst still retaining central ideas--Oprah came to their store after hours without warning, and they would not let her in to shop. What Hermes says occurred is immaterial; the events that are agreed upon are that Oprah showed up after closing without warning, and she was denied admission to the establishment.

And now Hermes is racist.

This AP article claims that what Hermes did is able to be likened to a "Whites Only" drinking fountain. Along with claims by Monday-morning quarterbackers that insinuate that the Hermes employees felt perhaps that Oprah was potentially violent (of course because she is Black), and therefore refused to let her in. After hours.

Is everyone in the goddamned world on drugs?

I'm certain that Oprah is entitled to enjoy some privileges that are not open to many people as a result of the money she makes. Case in point is the fact that it wasn't just Oprah who was turned away from Hermes; she was not standing alone at their front door, making starving little orphan eyes at the scarves, scratching pitifully at the glass and crying. No, Oprah was with "three friends". And I get the feeling that "three friends" is what she was with only because it spins better than the term "entourage".

Butsoanyway.

Oprah can do things that we can't, like call ahead and say, "Hello, I'm Oprah Freaking Winfrey, and I want private hours in your store. When's good for you?" I mean, get real--The Donald does it, Paris Hilton does it, Puff Daddy does it, even Jennifer Lopez does it, though no one cares what Jennifer does, 'cos word is that she's an obnoxious prat.

Again, butsoanyway.

I seriously doubt that this particular Hermes concerns itself much with crime. Not, at least, when crime is someone holding up the store; they're probably much more concerned that Winona Ryder might someday show up with a suspiciously large purse. And although I've not been to that Hermes, I'd wager that they have cameras, panic buttons, and probably an armed guard; they may well have plainclothes security-like personnel also. And odds are they're not in the rough part of town in the first place. So I highly question the speculation that this Hermes thought Oprah was there to rob them blind.

I happen to think that this Hermes thought that they were closed. It's really that simple. And I'm a little bit offended that someone--anyone--would liken a store enforcing their hours of operation to a "Whites Only" drinking fountain; that is a ludicrous appeal to emotion that *should* have never seen the light of print. It's reminiscent of Glenn Beck's calling his production manager "a Nazi", and likening him to Pol Pot...only Glenn Beck's kidding. I think just about everyone on the North American continent has been turned away from a place of business after hours; it's a common occurrence. And when it has happened to me, I've often seen patrons still inside eating, shopping, snickering at their Inherent Superiority for knowing the hours of operation beforehand and planning accordingly. Okay, just kidding on the last one. But just because there are people that are still in there doesn't mean that anything remotely resembling a store schedule has been shot to hell; they have to draw the line somewhere. Some restaurants will not seat anyone some fifteen to thirty minutes before they close; other restaurants will seat anyone up until closing time--but one minute past, and you're out of luck.

And according to this story, Oprah felt that the Hermes employees were aware of who she was. I also seriously doubt that. Historically, such places are more than accommodating to the wealthy, stars, and so on--I mean, we're talking about a place that will politely-but-firmly wrest the purse I've saved up for six months to buy from my sweaty paws and usher me out the door to provide private hours to Someone Who Matters. At that Someone's request. And then I get to stand outside alone at their front door, making starving little orphan eyes at the scarves, scratching pitifully at the glass and crying while Puff Daddy, Madonna, The Donald, and anyone else who planned ahead and had a member of the entourage give Hermes a ring and let them know to throw my peasant ass out goes shopping and buys my coveted purse on a whim.

Years ago, I (as well as the other customers) was thrown out of a high-end antiques store for close to the same reason; some local Special Someone wanted the store cleared out. Probably they'd come in and immediately pegged Ancodia as being likely to wander over and lick the Chesterfield they'd come to purchase, or something. But the point is that, whoever they were (to this day I don't know), they were able to do it quietly and tactfully. As tactful as something like that can be done, since what you're really doing is throwing the Unwashed Masses out. Or demanding that some poor shopgirl not pick up her kids on time because rules don't apply to you.

I've yet to see the explanation that Oprah did anything tasteful to lessen this slight, described by an OprahFriend as "one of the most humiliating moments of her life". Did she hold a business card up to the window? I'd bet a million dollars that one of the employees would have walked over to inspect it; I believe with all my heart that they're ready to handle such actions, because something like that is a tasteful way of alerting the employee(s) that you think you have reason to believe that the rules don't apply to you, and you're giving them the opportunity to concur. Again from my own experience, such an action might have opened the doors for Oprah regardless of who she was because my experience has taught me that 90% of the time, if you conduct yourself with class, people respond to that. Most upscale boutiques would probably at least personally enquire as to who you thought you were if they didn't recognise the name, if not take on faith that you must be Someone and let you in. So I just don't buy this story.

And I don't think it was "because she is Black". Consider what the story would be if Oprah had been wandering around the streets of Detroit with her friends, and had tried to go shopping in Bling-Bling Jewellers, right next door to Manny's Pawn Shop and Check Cashing.

Waitasec... Am I trying to insinuate that Bling-Bling Jewellers is a Black establishment? Ummm, yeah. If you have a sweet bippy, bet it. Our hypothetical store is Black-owned, Black-maintained, and set up to serve the Black community only. This is called a thought experiment, chirrin; work with me here.

So Oprah lands herself on the doorstep of Bling-Bling Jewellers, est. 2004, and tries to open the door to shop. But wait! It's locked! Oprah glances at her watch, and sees that it is 6:05 p.m.; the store hours on the door of Bling-Bling Jewellers state that Bling-Bling is open Monday through Friday, from 9 to 6. Oprah's #3 Friend, hoping someday to rate being called part of the entourage, takes it upon itself (I'm assuming no gender here) to knock on the door. After all, this *is* Oprah, right? And there's someone inside, still shopping--Oprah and the OprahFriends can see there's a patron in there.

So our question is this: If the store owner looks out the window long enough to ascertain that it looks like yet another customer who can't read the hours of operation, and then yells out, "We're closed! Come back tomorrow!", is that store owner racist, too? Or maybe they hate celebrities now? Or if the owner is a man, does he hate women? Or if she's female, has she been brainwashed by the beliefs of our male-dominated society, and is betraying her fellow women? Please--I need to know exactly why I should hate Bling-Bling Jewellers in this scenario!

Let's try another thought experiment: Let's suppose Hermes didn't know who in the hell Oprah was, but let her in anyway. And then someone else, and the next day someone else, ad infinitum. It's just Their Way; they're very accommodating. We'd never hear about it of course, but what if they did? Well, they'd not keep many--if any--quality employees, for one. Most employees wouldn't put up with that shit for very long at all. After all, if they don't close at 6, or 6:15, or 7:20, or 8:45...when *do* they close? Where is the line drawn? Or, since France has a 35-hour work week and so the employees *must* be allowed home after a certain period of time, perhaps the manager should take up residence above the store, and leave his phone number on the door in case Bianca Jagger and *her* three friends--Regine, Carmen, Diana, and The Dead Andy Warholwhodoesn'tcount'coshe'sdead--wander by at 3:18 in the morning, wanting to go shopping. I mean, we wouldn't want Hermes to get a reputation for discriminating against washed-up old jetsetters, now would we?

Or one last thought experiment: Hermes does recognise Oprah immediately. They let her in, and she takes her time pawing through the watches because (1) you don't just run in to Hermes and buy a watch like you pick up a $2.99 digital watch at Target on the way to work when yours breaks; (2) she can; she's Oprah; (3) since they let her in, of course they have nothing better to do than to wait; (4) she has to mull over her choices, as this obviously isn't anything she's oh, I don't know...planned out? I mean, if she'd planned it, she would have called ahead--but we'll not go there. So she holds up the shopgirls another thirty minutes or so. We'd of course never hear about it, but that's not our thought experiment. Our thought experiment is to hypothesize what is going through any one of the shopgirls' minds as they arrive late to pick up their child at day care; drive home dreading their teenager's accusations of "you just don't care!"; race to get to the other side of town to meet Pierre, this really hot guy that they think might be The One, but for whom they are now running an unanticipated thirty minutes late, with no notice; pay for an additional hour to get out of the parking garage; figure out what they can recycle to wear to work tomorrow, since they've missed the dry cleaner's (maybe Oprah will come with and persuade him to open up, too?)... And so on.

I think the general jist of their thoughts would be, I cannot believe zees beetch! Who een zee 'ell does she zeenk she ees? I swear--wheen I am reech and famouse, I weel not step on zee leetle ones! Feh!

Which of course we all know is racially motivated. Right?

It's that whole Do Unto Others Thing. Oprah, I don't give a fuck who you are--you don't have the right to insist that the rules do not apply to you, and then try to bully an apology out of a store that has done nothing for which they should apologise! And the very fact that you think what occurred in your little life is important enough to rate as a news story is only further proof of the depths of your self-absorbed oblivion. Anyone--like Oprah--who feels that they have the weight to throw around to get a store to open up after hours and throws a media temper tantrum when they feel no one is respecting their authoritaah is a small-minded, petty, shallow fool for whom I am embarrassed. That was crass, Oprah. Next time, be discreet and call ahead, or something. Or give others' time and shop hours the same respect I'm sure you demand be shown to you. Fuck being embarrassed over George Bush--I'm ashamed that you are representing America in this instance, because this is just one more example of why just about every other country thinks we Americans are a pack of solipsistic, dictatorial cowboy buffoons who are convinced that the entire goddamned universe--and store hours--revolve around us. And you could be Black, White, or Purple for all I care--the mere assumption that others exist only to wait upon you was selfish and rude, and your temper tantrum only makes you look like a spoilt child. Please go become a citizen of Belgium if you're going to keep acting like this; I had respect for you, but I've lost it.

Ok, I'm done now. I feel better.