My brat. :-)

I agree with the sentiment that it is perverted to choose something just based upon money. Though one of the drawbacks of the kind of ‘drive-by descriptions’ I’m guilty of is that I don’t address certain things in great enough detail, so later, when it is important, I am left discussing in-depth things in a shallow, ‘drive-by description’ type of way. I can honestly say that I think my brother will be happy doing this. Sad or not, a significant amount of his happiness comes from being successful. I think that has been the motivating reason behind most of his life decisions, when we pare it down to the core. But who am I to sit in judgement…my brother, my father, and my paternal grandfather (and probably great-grandfather, and so forth…) are more like clones of each other than descendants; it is kind of amazing, really. If I had the recipe for how to make certain your child grows up in your exact footsteps, I would make a mint. I do not know how they have managed it; maybe there is more to a genetic theory of personality than I would like to think (especially considering that I am told repeatedly that I am exactly like my father’s sister, which I see; she and I have some weird ‘thing’ going on, also).

But I am losing track of what I am getting at.

I have had about twenty-four hours to think about it, and here it goes: I think he will be happy, in his own way, as much as he will be happy doing anything. Perhaps for slightly different reasons, but I don’t think he will be miserable, or bitter over his decision. This really is what I would have bet money that he would be doing in the first place. The reason I was surprised over his first decision was because I could completely see him hitting middle age and wondering what in the hell he was thinking way back when (now). My brother is, somewhere deep down inside, a very kind and caring person…but I do not believe he is kind and caring enough to, for all intents and purposes, make a career out of pure altruism. He is not an empathetic, ‘let’s save humanity’ type, or if he is, he (and all the other men in my family) hides it amazingly well. I am not saying that in a bad way…fact is, not many of us are being completely altruistic in our career choices. I mean, I haven’t up and joined the Peace Corps yet or anything like that, so I can hardly say looking out for oneself is a bad thing. And, in fairness to my brother, my father, and every other clone, he is doing, ultimately, what he is supposed to do—he is providing for his family to the best of his ability (more or less), and is not a drain on society. I may not agree with the day-to-day details of the manifestation of the clones’ ideals, but I have to admit that they are trying, at least. Giggle…sometimes *very* trying, but that’s another post.

When my brother made his first decision, I decided that he wasn’t thinking past how interesting it would be to be presented with complex puzzles, or maybe he was afraid, or maybe he wanted to not be too much like my father…I don’t think that he was thinking about the rampaging bureaucracy he would face, the lack of support, the reduced pay scale (or at least difficulty in a ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ sense), potential danger, and so on. I think he just saw a series of interesting questions, a possibility to contribute, and a possibility to make a name for himself that is somewhat independent of what previous generations have done. His first choice (I think it was his first choice) would have taken him away from his wife and children for a time, made it necessary for him to do additional work, and been more taxing and dangerous. When he first popped up with it, I was not sure what he was thinking about; it was very…weird. Completely uncharacteristic of him. I could make no sense of it, and finally gave up trying when I thought his decision was solidified.

So I think he will be happy, at least in his own way. He will have his money, his wife and children, his authority, and all of that. This is one of a few things that I would have thought he would do in the first place. Perhaps I should have had the metacognition about the situation to say ‘bullshit’ when he popped up with his first decision (that’s what my Aunt would have done were this to have been my father)…but then if I had, he might have not ever changed his mind, just to spite me. I don’t know. I also think he will be skilled at what he does; he will help people, whether he means to, or not. In that respect, I am happy to see him shying away, at least for the time being, from an administrative-type of assignment, especially if it is dangerous. I am opinionated enough to think that that would be a marvellous cop-out for him, an absolute waste of his mind, which he would do only to get some kind of payout because he has compromised in other areas.

This finally brings me to what I really think, deep in my heart—at least at this point: I think my brother is a rampaging chickenshit who doesn’t believe in himself. I know how that feels. He turned down (or weaselled out of) going to Walter Reed a few years ago, opting instead to move to where he currently is, and I think that decision was made out of fear; he didn’t think that he could cut it, or did not want to be a small fish in a big pond, or something of that nature. Maybe he was afraid of getting lost, of not being able to shine. I would be lying if I said that I understood that decision. Or most of his decisions, really. He said that he did it primarily for his wife and children, and because it was not as great an opportunity as I thought (but would not explain *why* it was not as great as I thought). Maybe that was the truth, and he did not want to waste time discussing it with me because I know too little about it, or something. I just don’t know, and it seems he never talks to anyone about anything—he just up and decides things, and informs people of what he is doing on a ‘need to know’ basis. I am ecstatic that he found a wife to put up with that, ‘cos if it were me, I would have beaten him to death by now. :-) So possibly my brother was afraid that he would not have the luxury of selecting from amongst several opportunities. Maybe that is why he set his sights low and weird.

Or possibly my brother talks with his wife in private more often than I think he does. I really have no evidence against that hypothesis other than that he has only rarely hashed out decisions with me, and it is my understanding that my father did not make my mother a full partner in his decisions. But, on the other hand, my mother did not gripe about it at the time—only in retrospect, when she was compiling her laundry list of grievances. So I will withhold judgement on that one, too; perhaps my mother was happy at being relieved of responsibility. Or I could be completely off on my opinion; my brother may consult his wife on all of this (not that I think she would be much help, but that is another story). The fact is that I just don’t know. All of the clones are (or were) fairly emotionally distant people who are hard to know and understand.

And for all I know, my sister-in-law has been hammering at him for a while about this. If so, I can’t say as how I blame her; were it my husband, I would have asked for a family meeting with divorce papers at the ready if I didn’t get my way; the thought of going off and leaving a wife and children for at least a year or two to go do something that (1) doesn’t need to be done by you, and (2) can potentially result in your death in a real sense is a *group* decision, to be made by all parties involved. At least in my world. My brother swears that he will not cheat on his wife, but to me (and I told him this), his first decision was just as much a violation of his vows to her. Love, cherish, and obey, my foot. Not when you are essentially volunteering to go have your ass shot off.

Well, potentially. This is not like opening or reorganising a hospital in freaking Cancun.

And the same goes for her, also—I am not being sexist about this. She can’t up and decide to become an undercover DEA agent without some serious discussion of what this means for the family.

Such is life when you decide to forsake all others and go loving, comforting, and keeping someone. That’s just the way it is; there’s more than Just You to consider at that point. If you don’t like it, then don’t marry. But I may be weird on that…demographically, I am that generation of children of divorce that thinks that marriage is not to be taken lightly. But my brother says that he feels the same way also, so I am justified in fussing at him over that. Or was. With this decision of his, he is back to doing As He Should in that respect.

So I just don’t know. In a lot of ways, I feel as if I am just along for the ride, as far as my brother is concerned. And my father too, for that matter. So I don’t know what will happen…I will just do what I was told, and congratulate him and shut up. And hope that there actually *is* a Master Plan, ‘cos sometimes it certainly seems awfully random. Or maybe I just don’t get it because I am stupid. It could be that, too.

:-)